You - 2.0

You - 2.0

2008 is coming to an end… I will do my best to stay away from cliché statements and it is not my intention to get over philosophical or deep… it has just been a long time since I've blogged and now is as good of a time as any.

Main Entry: res·o·lu·tion

Function: noun

The act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering: solving c: the act of determining

Usually I do not have "new year's resolutions". There is no way you can get me to stop eating chocolate or fast food french fries. I am not going to join a gym. I am not going to church. I am not giving up alcohol lol and I will probably continue to flip flop with my smoking habit. However, there are a few things in my life… a few conundrums from 2008 that I would like to see resolved in 2009. I am not going to list them out --- lol I don't need random messages from you guys policing me hahaha. I know for a fact, I am not the only one who is stubborn and does not like being told what to do. I also know that sometimes when ideas or suggestions turn into obligations it easier to resist… kicking and screaming then to just…. "man up". I believe there comes a time when the whining, procrastinating and excuses don't cut it anymore and there is no other option but deal with the issue. Easier said than done (I know)— but I believe we all should be challenging ourselves to be a better, more improved version of ourselves.

I am a constant work in progress—trying to improve myself little by little. It has not necessarily been easy and sometimes I don't even feel like I am moving in the right direction. My life has been on quite the journey in these past 2 years. I have experienced so many emotions at so many levels—good and bad. In the midst of those varying emotions have been a few constants— my family & friends. It is because of you that I am still here. You unknowingly were the reasons for my smiles on my bad days. You have encouraged me to pursue what makes me happy. You have been there when I've needed you most. I hope on some level what I mean to you, is a reflection of what you mean to me. I hope for you and all those who read this in the coming year, an over abundance of love, happiness, good fortune and good times. I hope you continue to look for the silver lining, chase your dreams, and find your destiny while I do the same.

Happy New Year and Each Day Thereafter!!

Qnhik's DOs and DON'Ts for Living.

Do – Make time to introspect.

Don't – Linger on negativity or regret.

Do – Write down your ideas & work on them one by one. (my Mom taught me this)

Don't – Get overwhelmed by looking at the entire list.

Do – Practice compassion and put yourself in another's shoes.

Don't – Be narrow-minded or judgmental in your views.

Do – Seize the moment because second or third chances aren't always in your fate.

Don't – Take anything or anyone for granted (losing should not be the only way you learn to appreciate)

Do – Be gentle in the dealings with another's heart.

Don't – Bust the windows out of anyone's car!

Do – Mean what you say— your word should be a treasured possession.

Don't – Mar your character by practicing deception.

Do – Know your worth and always follow your dreams.

Don't – EVER jeopardize your self esteem.

Do – Stop to smell the roses and pursue happiness everyday.

Don't – Be too serious and always make time to play.

Do – Pick your battles and stand your ground.

Don't – Be too petty and don't be too proud.

Do – Wear your heart on your sleeve and hold onto good advice.

Don't – Be stingy with love nor forget the fragility of life.

Love always,

Qnhik v2.1 (beta version)

Dear Farrad

Dear Farrad, 6/5/2008

I know it has been a little while since I last spoke to you. I hope you understand. I love you so much but it hurts to know that we won't be spending our lives together like we planned. I, like so many others, are broken hearted that we will not be able to hear your laughter, see your smile, experience your kindness like we once did. How could I possibly function if I lingered on these thoughts…? It is much easier for me to detach myself from those emotions and find something to distract me. However, why does everything remind me of you? I am sure that it's not a coincidence but it makes some days harder than others. Work serves as a good distraction however I wish you were still here (physically)—I am finally getting somewhere in this company like we talked about but I feel all alone. Who can I turn to for the advice like you would offer? You were/ are apart of so many aspects of my life and I feel at times like I cannot get through this without you. So, I tell myself to stop being a baby…. Stop crying already. It has been over a year haven't you gotten over this by now??

I'm moving in a few weeks and I am having mixed emotions. When thinking about leaving this place... I cannot help but to reminisce about when we first moved in here. I remember the day we got the keys and how excited we were. Similar to how people feel about their beloved childhood home is how I feel about this place. To leave here forces me to think that I will be losing a piece of you. I know the move is the wisest thing to do and things will be ok—I just wish I was in a position where I didn't have to. There are many pros to moving and I will try to focus on those. The past year has been quite rough and I have even surprised myself at the "progress" I have made and what I have accomplished. At the same time, I think what does it matter… you are not here to share any of this with.

I sometimes wonder what you are doing as if you were simply on an extended vacation. Do you still come around? Do you visit me in dreams? I haven't been remembering many dreams lately and I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sure I must look neurotic to you… I'd like to say I hope to hear from you soon and honestly believe that, but I know better.

I will try continuing to be a "big girl" and hope that I make you proud. Please continue to watch over us.

I love you. I miss you. I need you.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Forever Always,
Nicole

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

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June 5, 1979 – April 6, 2007

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Is it just me, or has time flown past?? I have been trying to figure out how I got here. It has been one year… and so far, I have survived. There were many moments where I really did not think I would even get to this point. There were times when I cried so hard my head throbbed, my eyes were swollen and my chest ached as if an elephant were sitting on my rib cage. There were also times when I literally felt psychotic and detached from reality. I recall watching everyone go on with their lives while I felt stuck and angry wondering why the world had not stop spinning. In addition to trying to deal with Farrad’s death I also had to try to manage my finances and figure out what I was going to do next, so there were and still are times when I feel overwhelmingly frustrated. I am a work in progress but I am doing much better now. It is as if I have just awakened from a coma and am now re-assimilating to life. I feel like a different person… I believe it’s because I am. Its cliché but they always say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I believe that is true. I know I am stronger today than I was the day before. I could and would never trivialize Farrad’s existence or passing by defining it as only a learning experience or growth opportunity however it would be foolish of me to NOT take anything from this tragedy and use it to make improvements and develop into a better person.

In my last blog I spoke about how my outlook on life has changed—my message was to free yourself from anything stopping you from achieving your dreams. I wholeheartedly believe and stand behind that notion and I feel that in doing so we continue our own pursuit of happiness. Mentally and emotionally this is where I am today. Towards the beginning of this year I resolved to change my attitude because I was only sabotaging myself. For so long I had been miserable and often would feel guilty for expressing any kind of joy. I often thought it is not fair that I am here laughing at this corny joke or spending time with friends and family and cannot share this with Farrad. I suffocated my desire to be happy because all I could think about was how much I missed Farrad and how angry I was that he was taken from me. I have done a 180º turn. I realize that I am still here so I should do my best to make the most of this life. I deserve to be happy and I know Farrad would want that for me. While it is completely understandable for me to be upset, I cannot imagine Farrad commiserating and facilitating my unhappiness. I know for a fact I do not look cute when I am crying! Instead, Farrad would want me to think on him and be happy for the time we shared, to look towards the future with an optimistic attitude and to continue chasing happiness.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Today marks one year since Farrad’s life ended. Not a day goes by where I do not think of him and it is difficult not to replay our last moments over and over in my head. This week I started out feeling OK but halfway through it changed for the worse. Thinking about how hard my life has been and how uncertain my future is, magnified how much I miss him. I remember back in 2005, Farrad and I were apart for a weekend because he needed to be with his brother Maine whose grandmother had passed away. That was our first significant time apart since becoming official and it was the longest weekend for me. I love and miss him so much. It is amazing to me to look back and see that I have survived 52 weeks and have not gone completely insane. Hmm… actually, I have not been to any type of doctor or therapist so my previous statement may not be legitimate. In any event, I hope he is proud of me and the choices I have been making. It has been an extremely difficult journey thus far; nevertheless I am hopeful that things will continue to get a little better with each bend in the road.

In closing, I want to share with you something I have been marinating on. Earlier this week when after slipping into a crappy mood; I was reminded of my blessings and encouraged to look at today, not as the anniversary of Farrad’s death, but as a day to celebrate his life. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know the summation of his life does not equal the manner in which he died. Today, I make a conscious effort to choose to remember the good times more so than the bad and hope my tears reflect joy and not sorrow. To those reading who love Farrad I encourage you to do the same.

Love Always,

Qnhik

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Song lyrics | Seasons Of Love lyrics

Summary of 2007 & Aspirations for 2008

Honestly I thought I had a lot more time to write this after posting my last blog. Today is the last day of 2007. That is absurd. I know I keep repeating myself but I feel like this year just began not too long ago. I remember bringing in 2007 with Farrad and my half asleep mom, with sparkling cider while sitting on an air mattress in our living room. I did not make any resolutions, I rarely do. However, Farrad and I did have a lot of goals and plans on the table and we were working on figuring them all out. I was so eager to see how things would come to fruition just as our GTFO (acronym for our move out project – Get the F Out, ) plan was executed and completed perfectly. 2007 has been overwhelming and presumably impossible for me… in other words, it has been whack! The first 3 months of the year were pretty good. Emotionally/Mentally I was doing ok. I had slipped into some form of depression but Farrad was helping me get back on track. Physically I had managed to gain a substantial amount of weight (comparing myself to how I USED to look in my size 1 jeans) –I joined the local LA Fitness to help get rid of it. My self esteem was not and has never been the greatest so the extra weight did not help at all. Spiritually, not much had changed… I had no desire to go to church; however, I did have faith. Interestingly, in the movie Dogma (1999), Bartleby (an angel cast down to earth) asks Bethany,"When do you think you lost your faith?" Her reply was, "I remember the exact moment…" Before April I couldn't really grasp how that was possible. I had reservations regarding religion, church, Jesus fanatics, and hypocrites… but not God. Bethany continued to say, "I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God? Apparently not." I can now totally identify and sympathize with this [Bethany] character. I lost my faith on April 6^th 2007.

The time between April and now has been a blur but there have been a handful of experiences that have stood out for me. The time spent cultivating new friendships, cherishing & rekindling old friendships—experiencing love and kindness from those closest to Farrad… that will always be something I cherish. There were (and still are) times when all I could do was cry and ask why. There were also times that warmed my heart and made me truly happy—something I thought was not possible without Farrad.

Thinking back to mid July when a bunch of us met up in Fredericksburg, VA for the weekend… I had such a great time. It was a much needed mini vacation with some of my favorite people that helped to take my mind off the stressful issues going on at the time. The electric lemonades sure helped to distract, so did getting the "people's elbow" after being body slammed by Maine. Thanks. I also think back to my birthday party. That was one of the only birthday parties I have ever had and it was one of my favorite days this summer. The No (clothespin) game was great and of course our intense rounds of Taboo and UNO were hilarious. I think the party lasted close to 12 hours—it was I believe after 2am when we really started packing up to go home. There have been so many fun outings in the past few months. Even the night we were supposed to go to Great Adventures (Six Flags) for Fright Fest turned out to be a lot of fun. We ended up staying in and had dinner at my place because it had been raining all day. We tried playing the game Scene It but apparently we hadn't [seen it] since we didn't really know all the movies it referenced. Next time guys…. Next time!

The past nine months, have been a series of many ups, downs, existential contemplations, epiphanies and introspections; in 2008 I hope the good times out weigh the bad and I anticipate the birth of new enlightenment and understanding. More so than ever I have found myself questioning the purpose of… everything. Why are we here? Why the suffering and pain? What happens when we die? I know religion serves a purpose to answer these questions. In my eyes, we are all in some way or another reaching toward the same goal… same destination—just taking a different path. Who am I to say the path you chose is incorrect. Heck, I cannot even say the path that I am on is correct. I have read a few books on different religions and I have also been to a few different churches outside of my Christian upbringing and my initial thoughts and feelings were confirmed. Everyone wants to fulfill their purpose for living and church/religion provides the teachings and handbook to do just that. In addition to the handbook they have also devised some guidelines that help you cope with life for instance; when good things happen that is "God" and the angels looking out. When bad things happen that is the "Devil". But sometimes, bad things happen and it is not the Devil's doing… it is God and His master plan and you just have to accept that. Like Bethany, that is where I have a problem. I mention all this because it is a topic that has ALWAYS been on my mind but since April it has logically been more significant and magnified. I'll expound on that another time.

One thing I have noticed about myself this year is when you no longer have a gripping fear of death… your outlook on life changes. It is normal for people to not want to die and to fear that moment but can you imagine how everything would change if you lived fearlessly? Think about it. If you do not fear death… logically, what would you or could you be afraid of? Nothing. A lot of people are afraid of change, afraid of failure… even afraid of success; this only serves as speed bumps on life's highway. This life is all we have— we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. I am always reminded of The Matrix (1999), when after Neo was [physically] freed, he was taken to the top of a building and told to make an impossible jump. His instructions were "free your mind". Ok yes, he tasted the pavement that day but we all know what happened once he really let go and his mind was unrestrained. Of course I am not suggesting you take up BASE jumping at your local sky scraper. I am only trying to explain how I have been feeling because it has been one of the major driving forces for the decisions I have been making and how I am trying to live my life. I believe Neo's instructions can be applied to any situation. It is an injustice to sell yourself short or underestimate what you are capable of. I am a work in progress on this one. Growing up, my mother tried her hardest to remove the phrase "I can't" from my vocabulary. While I do not find myself thinking or saying "I can't" often, I do sometimes doubt my abilities. I was talking with my sister yesterday and told her I feel at times that I am a jack of all trades and master of none… I feel like I am OK at a bunch of things but not, great in just one. I am working on that now as I can see how that can be my own speed bump.

No matter how hard you work for success if your thought is saturated with the fear of failure, it will kill your efforts, neutralize your endeavors and make success impossible. -- Bandjuin

My aspiration for 2008 is to continue with this attitude and I challenge those reading to make this adjustment as well. You deserve nothing less than excellence; do not sabotage yourself with a self-deprecating attitude and fail to try for fear of failing. Free yourself from anything or anyone that can hold you back from reaching your dreams. There is no excuse or justification for not trying— you are accountable for the realization and attainment of your destiny. Make it happen!

In closing, I leave you with the lyrics to a song currently stuck on repeat in my car. Download it if you have the time!

Love Always,

Qnhik

Happy New Year! Please be safe!

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Elliot Yamin - Free

Now that fear is out of the way
I'm starting to see myself so clear
Like a light shining into the night
Everybody has a day
When they're criticized for something
But hold on to what you believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Movin' so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright,alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Every chance that we take
Is one less mistake we can make
Sometimes are blessings are in disguise
Look beyond what they say
It don't really matter what they see
As long as you can believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Moving so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

It's difficult to hold on
So easy to let go
And take the road that's least resistant
But you gotta be persistent
Lead and never follow
Don't wait for tomorrow
Got to do it today
Yeah

Free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Lemonade - Life & Purpose

Lemonade – Life & Purpose

I have often wondered how someone could get to the point where taking their own life, seems like a good idea. I couldn't understand how they could feel/think there was no other option and everything would be better if they simply ceased to exist. I'd like to reiterate that I do not feel suicidal (I think) however I now fully understand how anyone dealing with a tragedy could become just that. This person is brought to a place where things just don't make sense; life seemingly has no real purpose. No longer living just existing with no hope that things will ever improve. Religion says life is a gift from God. Who is to say that if the life you're given doesn't fit right or just isn't your style that you can't exchange it for something better or…. maybe return it for store credit?? Fortunately for those around me, the fear of hurting those close to me and getting it all wrong is what prevents me from attempting anything. I'd be the one to screw up and survive and end up in a much worse mental state then when I started.

Both Farrad and I said when we first started dating that there HAD to be a catch because it was way too good to be true and we usually never got what we wanted in life. How could we be so lucky? I chalked it up to that good ole karma making its way back around to us… giving us a break. I guess I was wrong and our initial hunch was correct. I am glad we had the little time that we did. Time spent with Farrad has been the happiest I have ever remembered being, aside from maybe playing Simon Says with my mom and sister back when I was about 6 or 7 yrs. old. If I had to do it all over knowing what I know now I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't want to live this life without experiencing Farrad's love and kindness. It truly is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I just so desperately wish we didn't have to "lose" each other.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been reading more. At the suggestion of a Myspace friend I have recently finished the book Afterlife by John Edward (of the TV show Crossing Over). Most of the book is his retellings of sessions he has had with those who have lost someone close. It is his job to speak to those who have crossed over and relay their messages to those who remain. I know this may sound far fetched or even crazy to some of you; but I believe in his gifts and wonderful things he has done for so many people. This book actually helped to put some things into perspective and validate some experiences I have had. I am not 100% sure what life is all about and its whole purpose but John helped me to realize that we are here to learn. No, I don't mean algebra and chemistry; I'm talking about learning how to be the best you can and learning how to treat others. I have mentioned previously that in my "dreams" of Farrad it is as if he cannot speak. John confirms that those who have passed cannot or will not speak to offer advice because in a sense, that's cheating. If you were given all the answers you would miss the meaning of the lesson. I'm not going to get into who created the lesson because you know I'm going to say I never signed up to be in the class in the first place! In any event, I am here trying to figure out what on earth I needed to learn that in order for me to understand I had to suffer such a great loss. Maybe it's to help another or provide insight through my writing…? I have come to realize that I am not that special in the sense that so many others have experienced and will experience grief like I have. That in no way makes it hurt less but it is comforting to know I am not the only one. Am I supposed to be offering hope to those who are in my shoes? How can I when I, myself feel hopeless? More so than ever I have been compelled to write and I am even thinking of writing a book of some sort. I wonder if I ever would have fully pursued that idea if not for this tragedy. Don't get me wrong… I would gladly and immediately give up my right and left arms if it meant I could be with Farrad again. They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Since there is nothing I can do to turn back time and bring Farrad back; I will do my best to honor Farrad and keep his memory alive by writing about him. I hope I make him proud… in whatever I may accomplish. Maybe in the process I will help another who's hurting… maybe even myself.

I have been wrestling with the idea of going to see a therapist. I mean, it does sound like the logical thing to do. However, the thought of retelling our story to a stranger…reliving the painful memories of April… I am soooo hesitant. I know that sounds sort of crazy since I have basically done the same thing here in my blogs… trust me, it's different. Maybe sometime down the line or maybe ill wait until everything builds up and explodes on paper. I guess you guys will know when I have worked out all my issues when I start writing about rainbows and ponies!

I plan to write at least one more blog before the year is over where I intend to give an overview of 2007 and plans for 2008. Stay tuned…

Love Always,

Qnhik

6 Months - How Am I Doing?

6 months – How am I doing?

If by chance you have not read my blog titled "Our Story" I suggest you read that before reading this… (click here)

So…. How am I doing? A question asked so frequently in the English language. Out of politeness most answer the question with "good" or "great" regardless of what might be going on in their lives. Nowadays when I'm asked, "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" the most common response from me is "I'm ok…." Those who are privy to my inner most feelings might get a more in depth response like "bleh", "blah" or "ehh".

Hard to fathom that it has been 6 months already. Farrad's existence did not define my own however life without him seems so unimportant and meaningless. I have come to accept the fact that he is not returning… there is nothing that can be done to bring him back… but why do I still look for him? My tears, although less frequent are no less if not more intense when they come. Maybe because it is now more than just missing my other half, it's the realization that undoubtedly paradise has been paved over and I'm left standing in the parking lot which is my life. Gone are the days where I had a general idea of what my future held. Farrad and I knew we would eventually get married and have kids (he wanted 3). I knew I had motherhood to look forward to and a life of happiness spent with my true love. Now what do I have to look forward to? Figuring out whether or not I have to go to my second job…. working my numbers to make sure I can cover the months bills… coming home to an empty house (with the exception of Eric's cat that I am "baby" sitting). I still have problems thinking past the here and now. I cannot imagine starting over and falling for someone else... taking my heart which has been shattered like tempered glass after a brick was tossed at it… taping it together and handing it to someone else to possibly be broken again??? Ummm…. I pass.

At times I feel like I'm living a double life. Sometimes the two cross each other but I try my hardest to prevent that. For example, last week I arrived at work (the fulltime job) and I had just begun to work. I received an IM from a friend and coworker of mine and unsure why exactly, as it was totally unrelated to the IM, I got extremely flustered, then angry and then without warning burst out into tears and had a hard time snapping out of it. Now if I were doing my job the more emotional Nicole would have never made it into work that day and would have probably been left in the car waiting for the ride home. This is probably the reason I started smoking again. Qnhik must stay focused and appear to be together… so rather than wallow in self pity and be overwhelmed by emotions like Nicole, Qnhik smokes for 5 min, shakes it off… and then gets back to work. It's very effective. This pseudo strength Qnhik possesses I've have realized is more or less, a defense mechanism.

So what have I been up to in the past few months? What has changed? Some obvious changes have been… I cut off most of my hair. It was only right. I had been growing my hair for over 5 years planning for my wedding and how I wanted to look on that day. I no longer had a reason to hang onto it, so for about $30 bucks I said goodbye to about a foot and a half of hair. I don't think it was due to the amount of hair cut off but I have also lost about 15 pounds. Initially I was not eating and most of the time when I did eat it was forced because I had no appetite. I resumed almost normal eating habits but I'm still losing. As I alluded to earlier, I found a part time job to help with bills. Its ok, I get paid way more than I should for what my job entails so I can't really complain, but I do. A few changes that aren't so obvious have been, rediscovering books. After seeing the movie The Pursuit of Happyness, Farrad and I purchased the book. One day I decided to begin reading it at the second job to pass time and half way through, a light bulb went off in my head and found myself super eager to read. How unusual is it for someone who loves to write… to hate to read….!? Well that has changed. Over about a 3 week time period I finished 3 books. I started the 4th and the 5^th (one is a text book) but I really need to go to the book store and find more things to read. One other rediscovery, I am trying to get back into art. I have a blog on Xanga from a few years ago… after my grandfather passed away and I mentioned how I missed our art projects and I missed watching him paint and create. I used to doodle and dabble in calligraphy. I never thought I was a great artist and still don't. After moving into our apartment I was feeling, for lack of a better term, off; and Farrad suggested that I paint something to help get me back on track and to create something to hang in our living room since we were having a hard time finding something to match our décor. I took the challenge and I ended up creating something I loved and felt proud of. That was a great feeling. Since, I have painted a few more things and even sold 2 to my sister's friend for her new home. The text book I am reading is to enhance my drawing skills which I know will help me with my paintings. The goal at this point is to embrace whatever brings me the tiniest bit of happiness. I plan to upload pictures of my art in the future so keep an eye out. I also plan to write more. I at times find it hard to talk about my feelings because I feel like a broken record. Maybe because I am usually asked the same questions… which I understand or maybe because at times things are so overwhelming its hard to articulate and find the right words to express myself…so I end up saying the same things.

Another slight change has been my outlook on life. I say slight change because I don't feel my view on life has changed drastically. What has changed the most is my desire to live my life. I can't say that I do not care what other think about me because everyone does to some extent… that's normal. However I feel that I have always tried to live my life knowing that now is all we have. You cannot count on 10 years from now, 2 months... heck 2 hours. Yes there is some planning that needs to take place in life however sometimes procrastination has no place. Living to please others, making choices based on what others suggest isn't always a great idea. This is not to be confused with constructive criticism or sound advice…. I digress. All I am trying to say (right now) is tomorrow is not promised so I am striving to do things and embrace those that make me happy now. It is not always easy. It is far easier to curl up in a corner and sob until my face is swollen; even more so now that I am working from home a few days a week… but I'm trying. My happiness now, is a direct correlation to those closest to me. It's you guys that make me smile when I don't want to. It's you who remind me that you love me and make it a little easier to continue on in this life. Those whose love for Farrad has been extended to me I am truly appreciative and I'm glad he had such good friends and such a loving family in his life. I would love to go down the line but I would hate to leave anyone out so I will say this, To my family& friends (Farrad's and mine): immediate, extended, old and new, $.O.T.H., BFFs, BMS, AIM, MySpace, friends of friends of friends and everyone else…. Thank you once again. Those two words I do not feel encapsulate what I truly feel for you all but I hope somehow you understand. I have had a realization about myself… it is soooooo hard for me to ask for help. I have always wanted to be independent and do everything on my own. Fortunately, I have been able to stay afloat with regards to bills these past months but this would not be possible without the help I have received. I love you guys.

What does the future have in store? I have no idea. I would be foolish to say that here on out will be roses and gum drops. I know for a fact there will be more heart ache and hard times. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" everyone says. I say, stronger for what? "God works in mysterious ways… everything happens for a reason… He never gives you anything that you cannot bear…." Lately, I have been feeling like this (life/planet/universe) is God's big science project. What is the point of it all? I think Qnhik is way more cynical and jaded than Nicole ever was. (yes, I know referring to myself in the third person [by different names] DOES NOT help refute the fact that I am not crazy!) I have always questioned the meaning of life… even more so now. There are things we value that make no difference when we die. Money, prestige, "flyness"…heck even education… they all make things easier while here on earth but when its all said and done who cares how much money you made or how many degrees you had. I feel like the things you will be most remembered for is your character and integrity. Farrad fell into the deep end of the pool when it came to integrity. He was always willing to help another: strangers, friends, co-workers... his family or mine. I have never met anyone as sweet as him. He was always truthful even those times when he didn't want to be. If anything good can be taken from this situation I say, I will follow Farrad's example of kindness, honesty and love and hope that is what I am remembered for.

I have mentioned some good changes and some not so good… there is one change that is in the middle for me. Some may consider it a change for the worse others may not. I am referring to changes in my beliefs regarding religion. In the past few years I considered myself agnostic. I grew up in the Christian church and school however other religions always intrigued me. In church I usually felt out of place and like I didn't belong so I'm sure that didn't help matters but fast forward to now. It's pretty simple. I am angry. I am angry at God and angry at myself for being angry at God. I tried going to church after Farrad passed even though I hadn't been in years but that was not good. Hearing about God's love made me furious and all I could do was cry. Have you ever gotten so angry you feel heat in your chest and face…? That's how angry I get. He's the one who has His eye on the sparrow…so why do I feel forgotten? I haven't prayed since April. What is there to pray about? The single most important prayer I have ever prayed in my entire insignificant life went unanswered… so why bother. I see others who have experience pain equal if not worse than mine and they continue to praise and thank God and I seriously do not understand how. In my eyes praising and thanking God now would be similar to thanking the EMT's for not saving Farrad. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should he get credit for the good when it's outweighed by so much bad…? I feel even though he may not have been the cause of Farrad's passing He could have prevented it. I wonder if this was to somehow teach me a lesson… something to get me to go back to church. If so, it's not working. I feel I have the right to be angry and I hope that He understands that and feels my pain… I mean if not… what kind of God would He be? I cannot deny what I feel because of how it may come across. I never denied His existence… we're just not on speaking terms right now.

I have not been to the cemetery since we left him there. I think partly because I know I feel closer to him here at home rather than someplace with random other people. I used to ask him all the time if he was around me, if he heard me when I talked to him. I received confirmation… I received a message from a stranger containing a message from Farrad. This person had no idea that the message she relayed contained the answers to the very same questions I had asked Farrad. This has done a lot to help me…. soooo much (If you are reading this, thank you again for contacting me). Dreams of Farrad have not come as frequent as before. One of the last dreams I had, Farrad was in the back seat of my car crying hysterically. I was driving and stopped the car and turned to him and consoled him. I heard him saying, "I can't" over and over similar to how I sounded in April… I took from that, that just as in the in the dream I consoled him when he cried; he does the same for me. I think about my past dreams a lot especially one I had in either last Dec or Jan. I dreamt that I died. It was never clear how in the dream I died—it was just understood. In the dream I was able to communicate with Farrad through notes and at one point in the dream I asked him if he could hear me because I had been saying something. He nodded yes. Come to think of it he never spoke to me in the dream similar to how in my "dreams" after he passed it seemed as if he was not allowed to speak to me. I constantly wonder if this dream was a warning for me and somehow I should have figured it out…. sooner.

There are so many unanswered questions. I guess one day we all will find out and get some answers. I look forward to that day when all of my questions are answered and I see him again which I know I will.

Six months, half a year… has gone by so fast. I am not really looking forward to the holidays… I have a feeling it is going to be rough but what can I do… they will come and go just as fast as May, June, July and August. It is not fair that he is no longer here physically to share life with me but I like to think that his spirit/soul is still connected with mine and he still shares in my life in a slightly different way. I started writing this a while ago and unfortunately my laptop crapped out on me and I lost everything. I had most of my documents backed up on Farrad's computer but not this one so I started rewriting last week and actually this is version much better. The original version was a lot angrier! When I started writing the original I was feeling super angry towards God and life and how I never chose to be on this earth and why I feel like I have little say on what happens in my life. While my thoughts and feelings haven't changed much… I guess I may be dealing with it a little better… or not dealing with it. I am not quite sure. The prayer/quote below, I have seen many many many times… I guess it's pretty true. That's basically all I have been trying to do.

"…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Once again thank you all for your continued love and support. I would be truly hopeless without you.

Love Always,

Qnhik

Un-Whole

A poem I wrote August 4th 2004... was true then, is true now.

Un-Whole

I want to be loved

And feel not alone.

To feel another's fingers

Intertwined with my own.

To wake up and know

Someone's thinking of me;

An actual

Non-fictional inspiration

For my soliloquy.

A calming reassurance

That everything'll be ok

Even if all in my life

Seems in disarray.

The sound of hopeful lovers

Jiggling my heart's lock;

Seem to almost drown out

The incessant tick

Of my emotional clock.

But as usual it becomes

A repeat of the past,

An almost forever love affair

That doesn't ever last.

So, do I search for what

Others find by mistake?

Looking high and low

For another source of heartache??

Or do I just sit here

And twiddle my thumbs,

Waiting for my soul mate

Hoping he comes,

To take this puzzle

And make it complete

Ultimately sweeping me

Head over feet.

There are so many feelings

I'm forced to repress

Hidden desires

I'm dying to express.

Beyond mere physical

Tangles of affection;

I yearn for a more emotional,

Spiritual connection.

But alas, there is no one

So I'm forced to daydream

And save all my love tokens,

For one day to redeem.