You - 2.0

You - 2.0

2008 is coming to an end… I will do my best to stay away from cliché statements and it is not my intention to get over philosophical or deep… it has just been a long time since I've blogged and now is as good of a time as any.

Main Entry: res·o·lu·tion

Function: noun

The act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering: solving c: the act of determining

Usually I do not have "new year's resolutions". There is no way you can get me to stop eating chocolate or fast food french fries. I am not going to join a gym. I am not going to church. I am not giving up alcohol lol and I will probably continue to flip flop with my smoking habit. However, there are a few things in my life… a few conundrums from 2008 that I would like to see resolved in 2009. I am not going to list them out --- lol I don't need random messages from you guys policing me hahaha. I know for a fact, I am not the only one who is stubborn and does not like being told what to do. I also know that sometimes when ideas or suggestions turn into obligations it easier to resist… kicking and screaming then to just…. "man up". I believe there comes a time when the whining, procrastinating and excuses don't cut it anymore and there is no other option but deal with the issue. Easier said than done (I know)— but I believe we all should be challenging ourselves to be a better, more improved version of ourselves.

I am a constant work in progress—trying to improve myself little by little. It has not necessarily been easy and sometimes I don't even feel like I am moving in the right direction. My life has been on quite the journey in these past 2 years. I have experienced so many emotions at so many levels—good and bad. In the midst of those varying emotions have been a few constants— my family & friends. It is because of you that I am still here. You unknowingly were the reasons for my smiles on my bad days. You have encouraged me to pursue what makes me happy. You have been there when I've needed you most. I hope on some level what I mean to you, is a reflection of what you mean to me. I hope for you and all those who read this in the coming year, an over abundance of love, happiness, good fortune and good times. I hope you continue to look for the silver lining, chase your dreams, and find your destiny while I do the same.

Happy New Year and Each Day Thereafter!!

Qnhik's DOs and DON'Ts for Living.

Do – Make time to introspect.

Don't – Linger on negativity or regret.

Do – Write down your ideas & work on them one by one. (my Mom taught me this)

Don't – Get overwhelmed by looking at the entire list.

Do – Practice compassion and put yourself in another's shoes.

Don't – Be narrow-minded or judgmental in your views.

Do – Seize the moment because second or third chances aren't always in your fate.

Don't – Take anything or anyone for granted (losing should not be the only way you learn to appreciate)

Do – Be gentle in the dealings with another's heart.

Don't – Bust the windows out of anyone's car!

Do – Mean what you say— your word should be a treasured possession.

Don't – Mar your character by practicing deception.

Do – Know your worth and always follow your dreams.

Don't – EVER jeopardize your self esteem.

Do – Stop to smell the roses and pursue happiness everyday.

Don't – Be too serious and always make time to play.

Do – Pick your battles and stand your ground.

Don't – Be too petty and don't be too proud.

Do – Wear your heart on your sleeve and hold onto good advice.

Don't – Be stingy with love nor forget the fragility of life.

Love always,

Qnhik v2.1 (beta version)

Dear Farrad

Dear Farrad, 6/5/2008

I know it has been a little while since I last spoke to you. I hope you understand. I love you so much but it hurts to know that we won't be spending our lives together like we planned. I, like so many others, are broken hearted that we will not be able to hear your laughter, see your smile, experience your kindness like we once did. How could I possibly function if I lingered on these thoughts…? It is much easier for me to detach myself from those emotions and find something to distract me. However, why does everything remind me of you? I am sure that it's not a coincidence but it makes some days harder than others. Work serves as a good distraction however I wish you were still here (physically)—I am finally getting somewhere in this company like we talked about but I feel all alone. Who can I turn to for the advice like you would offer? You were/ are apart of so many aspects of my life and I feel at times like I cannot get through this without you. So, I tell myself to stop being a baby…. Stop crying already. It has been over a year haven't you gotten over this by now??

I'm moving in a few weeks and I am having mixed emotions. When thinking about leaving this place... I cannot help but to reminisce about when we first moved in here. I remember the day we got the keys and how excited we were. Similar to how people feel about their beloved childhood home is how I feel about this place. To leave here forces me to think that I will be losing a piece of you. I know the move is the wisest thing to do and things will be ok—I just wish I was in a position where I didn't have to. There are many pros to moving and I will try to focus on those. The past year has been quite rough and I have even surprised myself at the "progress" I have made and what I have accomplished. At the same time, I think what does it matter… you are not here to share any of this with.

I sometimes wonder what you are doing as if you were simply on an extended vacation. Do you still come around? Do you visit me in dreams? I haven't been remembering many dreams lately and I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sure I must look neurotic to you… I'd like to say I hope to hear from you soon and honestly believe that, but I know better.

I will try continuing to be a "big girl" and hope that I make you proud. Please continue to watch over us.

I love you. I miss you. I need you.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Forever Always,
Nicole

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

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June 5, 1979 – April 6, 2007

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Is it just me, or has time flown past?? I have been trying to figure out how I got here. It has been one year… and so far, I have survived. There were many moments where I really did not think I would even get to this point. There were times when I cried so hard my head throbbed, my eyes were swollen and my chest ached as if an elephant were sitting on my rib cage. There were also times when I literally felt psychotic and detached from reality. I recall watching everyone go on with their lives while I felt stuck and angry wondering why the world had not stop spinning. In addition to trying to deal with Farrad’s death I also had to try to manage my finances and figure out what I was going to do next, so there were and still are times when I feel overwhelmingly frustrated. I am a work in progress but I am doing much better now. It is as if I have just awakened from a coma and am now re-assimilating to life. I feel like a different person… I believe it’s because I am. Its cliché but they always say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I believe that is true. I know I am stronger today than I was the day before. I could and would never trivialize Farrad’s existence or passing by defining it as only a learning experience or growth opportunity however it would be foolish of me to NOT take anything from this tragedy and use it to make improvements and develop into a better person.

In my last blog I spoke about how my outlook on life has changed—my message was to free yourself from anything stopping you from achieving your dreams. I wholeheartedly believe and stand behind that notion and I feel that in doing so we continue our own pursuit of happiness. Mentally and emotionally this is where I am today. Towards the beginning of this year I resolved to change my attitude because I was only sabotaging myself. For so long I had been miserable and often would feel guilty for expressing any kind of joy. I often thought it is not fair that I am here laughing at this corny joke or spending time with friends and family and cannot share this with Farrad. I suffocated my desire to be happy because all I could think about was how much I missed Farrad and how angry I was that he was taken from me. I have done a 180º turn. I realize that I am still here so I should do my best to make the most of this life. I deserve to be happy and I know Farrad would want that for me. While it is completely understandable for me to be upset, I cannot imagine Farrad commiserating and facilitating my unhappiness. I know for a fact I do not look cute when I am crying! Instead, Farrad would want me to think on him and be happy for the time we shared, to look towards the future with an optimistic attitude and to continue chasing happiness.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Today marks one year since Farrad’s life ended. Not a day goes by where I do not think of him and it is difficult not to replay our last moments over and over in my head. This week I started out feeling OK but halfway through it changed for the worse. Thinking about how hard my life has been and how uncertain my future is, magnified how much I miss him. I remember back in 2005, Farrad and I were apart for a weekend because he needed to be with his brother Maine whose grandmother had passed away. That was our first significant time apart since becoming official and it was the longest weekend for me. I love and miss him so much. It is amazing to me to look back and see that I have survived 52 weeks and have not gone completely insane. Hmm… actually, I have not been to any type of doctor or therapist so my previous statement may not be legitimate. In any event, I hope he is proud of me and the choices I have been making. It has been an extremely difficult journey thus far; nevertheless I am hopeful that things will continue to get a little better with each bend in the road.

In closing, I want to share with you something I have been marinating on. Earlier this week when after slipping into a crappy mood; I was reminded of my blessings and encouraged to look at today, not as the anniversary of Farrad’s death, but as a day to celebrate his life. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know the summation of his life does not equal the manner in which he died. Today, I make a conscious effort to choose to remember the good times more so than the bad and hope my tears reflect joy and not sorrow. To those reading who love Farrad I encourage you to do the same.

Love Always,

Qnhik

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Song lyrics | Seasons Of Love lyrics