Dear Farrad, 6/5/2008
I know it has been a little while since I last spoke to you. I hope you understand. I love you so much but it hurts to know that we won't be spending our lives together like we planned. I, like so many others, are broken hearted that we will not be able to hear your laughter, see your smile, experience your kindness like we once did. How could I possibly function if I lingered on these thoughts…? It is much easier for me to detach myself from those emotions and find something to distract me. However, why does everything remind me of you? I am sure that it's not a coincidence but it makes some days harder than others. Work serves as a good distraction however I wish you were still here (physically)—I am finally getting somewhere in this company like we talked about but I feel all alone. Who can I turn to for the advice like you would offer? You were/ are apart of so many aspects of my life and I feel at times like I cannot get through this without you. So, I tell myself to stop being a baby…. Stop crying already. It has been over a year haven't you gotten over this by now??
I'm moving in a few weeks and I am having mixed emotions. When thinking about leaving this place... I cannot help but to reminisce about when we first moved in here. I remember the day we got the keys and how excited we were. Similar to how people feel about their beloved childhood home is how I feel about this place. To leave here forces me to think that I will be losing a piece of you. I know the move is the wisest thing to do and things will be ok—I just wish I was in a position where I didn't have to. There are many pros to moving and I will try to focus on those. The past year has been quite rough and I have even surprised myself at the "progress" I have made and what I have accomplished. At the same time, I think what does it matter… you are not here to share any of this with.
I sometimes wonder what you are doing as if you were simply on an extended vacation. Do you still come around? Do you visit me in dreams? I haven't been remembering many dreams lately and I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sure I must look neurotic to you… I'd like to say I hope to hear from you soon and honestly believe that, but I know better.
I will try continuing to be a "big girl" and hope that I make you proud. Please continue to watch over us.
I love you. I miss you. I need you.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.
Forever Always,
Nicole
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