Lemonade - Life & Purpose

Lemonade – Life & Purpose

I have often wondered how someone could get to the point where taking their own life, seems like a good idea. I couldn't understand how they could feel/think there was no other option and everything would be better if they simply ceased to exist. I'd like to reiterate that I do not feel suicidal (I think) however I now fully understand how anyone dealing with a tragedy could become just that. This person is brought to a place where things just don't make sense; life seemingly has no real purpose. No longer living just existing with no hope that things will ever improve. Religion says life is a gift from God. Who is to say that if the life you're given doesn't fit right or just isn't your style that you can't exchange it for something better or…. maybe return it for store credit?? Fortunately for those around me, the fear of hurting those close to me and getting it all wrong is what prevents me from attempting anything. I'd be the one to screw up and survive and end up in a much worse mental state then when I started.

Both Farrad and I said when we first started dating that there HAD to be a catch because it was way too good to be true and we usually never got what we wanted in life. How could we be so lucky? I chalked it up to that good ole karma making its way back around to us… giving us a break. I guess I was wrong and our initial hunch was correct. I am glad we had the little time that we did. Time spent with Farrad has been the happiest I have ever remembered being, aside from maybe playing Simon Says with my mom and sister back when I was about 6 or 7 yrs. old. If I had to do it all over knowing what I know now I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't want to live this life without experiencing Farrad's love and kindness. It truly is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I just so desperately wish we didn't have to "lose" each other.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been reading more. At the suggestion of a Myspace friend I have recently finished the book Afterlife by John Edward (of the TV show Crossing Over). Most of the book is his retellings of sessions he has had with those who have lost someone close. It is his job to speak to those who have crossed over and relay their messages to those who remain. I know this may sound far fetched or even crazy to some of you; but I believe in his gifts and wonderful things he has done for so many people. This book actually helped to put some things into perspective and validate some experiences I have had. I am not 100% sure what life is all about and its whole purpose but John helped me to realize that we are here to learn. No, I don't mean algebra and chemistry; I'm talking about learning how to be the best you can and learning how to treat others. I have mentioned previously that in my "dreams" of Farrad it is as if he cannot speak. John confirms that those who have passed cannot or will not speak to offer advice because in a sense, that's cheating. If you were given all the answers you would miss the meaning of the lesson. I'm not going to get into who created the lesson because you know I'm going to say I never signed up to be in the class in the first place! In any event, I am here trying to figure out what on earth I needed to learn that in order for me to understand I had to suffer such a great loss. Maybe it's to help another or provide insight through my writing…? I have come to realize that I am not that special in the sense that so many others have experienced and will experience grief like I have. That in no way makes it hurt less but it is comforting to know I am not the only one. Am I supposed to be offering hope to those who are in my shoes? How can I when I, myself feel hopeless? More so than ever I have been compelled to write and I am even thinking of writing a book of some sort. I wonder if I ever would have fully pursued that idea if not for this tragedy. Don't get me wrong… I would gladly and immediately give up my right and left arms if it meant I could be with Farrad again. They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Since there is nothing I can do to turn back time and bring Farrad back; I will do my best to honor Farrad and keep his memory alive by writing about him. I hope I make him proud… in whatever I may accomplish. Maybe in the process I will help another who's hurting… maybe even myself.

I have been wrestling with the idea of going to see a therapist. I mean, it does sound like the logical thing to do. However, the thought of retelling our story to a stranger…reliving the painful memories of April… I am soooo hesitant. I know that sounds sort of crazy since I have basically done the same thing here in my blogs… trust me, it's different. Maybe sometime down the line or maybe ill wait until everything builds up and explodes on paper. I guess you guys will know when I have worked out all my issues when I start writing about rainbows and ponies!

I plan to write at least one more blog before the year is over where I intend to give an overview of 2007 and plans for 2008. Stay tuned…

Love Always,

Qnhik