As some/all of you may know, on April 6th I lost the love of my life; Farrad Louis Harding. As I stated in his obituary, he is my counterpart, soul mate and best friend and I don't know how I am supposed to continue on without him. I am in so much pain and still in denial. I love him more than mere words can explain. He should still be here. A friend advised that I write him a letter. While this is not really a letter to him, I'm thinking that maybe if I write something… it may be beneficial…if not for me, someone who's reading.
Farrad and I had been planning our life together since the beginning of our relationship, so moving in together and creating our home was a big thing for both of us. We had planned to get married, buy a house and start a family in the near future. Unfortunately, things do not always go as planned. I have so many decisions I must now make… Farrad did not have health or life insurance so the bills that remain after his passing are now on my plate. Can I afford to stay in our home? What should I do? Every single thing in this apartment has his finger print on it… how could I leave this place?? I was thinking the other day, what would Farrad do if this had been the other way around. I know for a fact he would do whatever needed to stay here. I intend to do the same. I've ask him every now and then (nearly everyday) to help me be strong and help me continue on. Right now, I feel hopeless and lost without him. How can I live without him? How can I be happy without him? Right now I don't have any answers however to all of our friends and family I want to thank you all for your love, comfort and encouragement. I truly appreciate every single one of you and your acts of kindness. May God bless you.
Now onto the story…
A Love StoryI am going to attempt to paint this picture for you… I only hope my words can portray it as beautiful and vivid as I see it in my mind.
My first memories of Farrad are from the 4th and 5th grade. We attended Emerson Elementary school in Plainfield, New Jersey. We were in the same class in 4th grade however I don't remember any interaction between us. I guess because boys were still icky back then. In the fifth grade we had separate home room teachers however we manage to be paired up in the science fair which meant having to work after school together on our project, the cabbage juice indicator. (Basically, [if you even care] using cabbage juice you can tell whether a substance is an acid or a base.) We of course won first place.
Fifth grade was my last year in public school. My parents decided to send both my sister and I off to a private Christian school (New Life) and I remained there from 6th to 12th grade. During this time Farrad continued on in public school, Maxson Middle School and Plainfield High. As we got older, we started working and we both got jobs in the Plainfield area. Later, he started working at CompUSA in Springfield, NJ and became friends with a group of people that worked there. I met and became friends with members of this same group of people when attending Union County College. Strangely, even though Farrad also attended UCC and we had the same group of friends, our paths never crossed until July 2005.
A few days before the 4th of July(2005), I received a phone call from a friend we call Squeeks. He mentioned that he had some business ideas and he thought of me when it came to the design aspect of the project. He told me about his ideas and also invited me to his 4th of July cookout. I accepted his invitation and I had planned on attending with a male friend I had met recently however that fell through and I went alone. I had a good time and reconnected with people I had not seen in several years… I was glad I went. Farrad and two of his friends (JA and Kris) arrived later on-- I recognized Farrad immediately. He looked exactly the same, minus the super high top fade he used to rock! We chatted for a bit and he and his friends, invited me to the Meadowlands with them to see the fireworks. I debated on whether I should go but decided I would since I kinda had too much to drink and was not in the condition to drive.
We had a great time. We rode a few rides, ate junk food, walked and talked… We (Farrad and I) got on the swings, you know the elevated kind that spin around… later Farrad told me that when we were on that ride he saw a twinkle in my eye and that sparked his interest in me. I had noticed throughout the night that Farrad was no longer the painfully shy nerd that I knew from elementary school. When dropping me off back at Squeeks where my car was, he gave me his business card. He had told me about his company Durralink and thought maybe I could help out with web design or artwork. I told him I would email him the next day with my contact info. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and we both headed home.
Somehow, I managed to make it to work on time the next day. After getting settled in, I whipped out Farrad's business card to retrieve his email address and I sent him an email including my contact info as promised. We ended up talking through email for most of the day. We also spoke for most of the night on AIM until he had to leave to attend a meeting. Later in the week, while chatting on AIM He asked me, "Do you think we can go out again…. just the two of us??" I told him that would be nice—he was so cute and nervous. However, I was leaving for Florida the following week for a family vacation, so I told him we wouldn't be able to go out until I returned a week later. To keep it interesting I told him not to tell me where he was going to take me… I wanted it to be a surprise. He managed to do good job keeping it secret even though I sometimes pestered him, asking for hints. While I was in Florida we talked almost every day and during that time we learned a lot about each other. He told me about his past relationships, likes, dislikes… we found that we had much more in common than we initially thought. In hindsight, that time spent on the phone was invaluable to laying the foundation of our relationship. At times I felt lonely down there. The place was so beautiful and romantic but I had no one there to share it with. So, after my mom would go to bed at like 9pm
I would walk around the resort while talking to him for hours.
I returned from Florida on a Sunday. Farrad had planned that we go out on our date on the following Friday. I was a little nervous and anxious for Friday to come. He informed me that there was a dress code for the date, business casual, so my evenings were spent split between trying to find the perfect outfit and talking with him on the phone or AIM. Finally, Friday came. After work, I had a couple of hours to prepare before he would arrive to pick me up. I spent the time making sure my hair, makeup & outfit were perfect. At the time I lived in an apartment tower so I told him to just give me a call when he was outside and I'd meet him in the front of the building. I patiently waited, then finally he called me. I nervously made my way down to meet him. My anxiousness and nervousness was quickly eliminated after I saw him. He looked like a deer in headlights… He was so adorable. After getting into the car he tried explaining why he looked so scared. He said he wasn't sure if he should have gotten out the car to open my door but by the time he had decided he would I was already opening the door myself! I figured we both couldn't be shy and nervous so I loosened up and cracked a few jokes… that seemed to break the ice. We started out our way to the mystery location. I mentioned to him that I had an idea of where he was taking me and to keep it interested I suggested we make a bet. If I was wrong, we would go out for ice cream my treat, If I was right then he would treat. He didn't object so I told him I thought he chose Delta's in New Brunswick. I was right. J I had never been before then so I was excited. The evening was perfect. Dinner was amazing the apple martini's were delicious and there was a live R&B band playing. At times the band was really loud but we still managed to have good conversation. Afterwards he also planned that we go to the waterfront in Perth Amboy and walk around. That was nice. We walked, talked and held hands. We found a bench and sat and looked out at the water. It was so comfortable being with him. I know he felt the same because he actually fell a sleep for a few minutes! Shortly after, we called it a night and headed back to the car. We arrived at my place and said our goodbyes and goodnights. I was a little nervous again because at this point we had not kissed. I assumed he would lean in for one but to my surprise he did not. I later learned that he purposely did not kiss me. He said his grandmother gave him the advice not to. We hugged and I headed to my apartment. That was the single most perfect date I have ever had.
The next day, Saturday, Squeeks had planned a business meeting that evening. I was glad because that meant I got to see Farrad again. We all met up at Bennigan's on Rt 22 and Squeeks conducted the meeting from inside of his car. Afterwards we all, minus Jeff, decided to head over to the Black Thorn for drinks and whatnot. Farrad and I danced for the first time… I know I had a lot of fun… I was pretty tipsy again! Around 2am they had the last call and the lights came up. The rest of the crew (Carld P had stopped by) had made their way outside however Farrad and I were stuck in this gaze. Then it happened. We shared our first kiss. It was so amazing. After we pulled apart I had to say "whoa!" (sorta like Joey from that old tv show Blossom). We then started making our way outside. We ending up sitting on the bench right outside the entrance and kissed a little more
I told him that I wouldn't be able to drive so he decided that he would drive us to the city (NYC) so we could walk around and I could sober up. He spoke with a Black Thorn employee to confirm that it would be ok to leave my car for a few hours. After that was settled we headed out. We arrived in NYC probably in 40/45 minutes and by this time I really had to pee and I was feeling nauseous! So we found a McD's while he ordered us water I went to relieve myself. While I was in the bathroom I started getting the feeling I was really about to vomit. So I'm in there trying to wait for it so I could chuck in the toilet however, it would not come!! So I decided to just come out and hope the feeling would go away. As I was exiting Farrad said he had to go too so he gave me the drinks to hold while he went in. As im standing there waiting for him… the vomit feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Now it is inevitable that I need to figure out where im going to throw up at. Sorry for being gross, but I threw up in my mouth and was able to hold it—I began contemplating where this vomit was going to go. I looked at the garbage receptable in McD's but I knew there was no way I could keep the swinging door open and aim the vomit in the can so I left the drinks on top of the garbage can and quickly ran outside to the curb. (Farrad is still in the bathroom) So, I'm hurling on the NYC curb while some homeless guy yells to me, "Get it out!!!" I laughed to myself… Thanks homeless guy. I finished up and headed back into McD's. Farrad walked out shortly after. I said to him, Im not tipsy any more and I feel 100% better… I just threw up! He starts looking around thinking I threw up in McD's I explained everything to him and told him about my cheerleader. He said, "Cool…. Want some gum???" (lol) We exited and found our way to a park nearby and we walked and talked some more… and shared more kisses. I know what your thinking. He kissed you after you threw up!!?!?! YES HE DID!!! His justification was that I had gum J We ended up walking around the city until close to 6am and we decided to head back to Jersey pick up my car. While heading back we decided to stop at IHOP to get breakfast. Funny thing is we never made it out the car. Farrad parked and turned off the car and we sat there so long we BOTH fell asleep for a good 30 minutes or so! After waking, we decided to just go get my car and head home.
After that, we began spending a lot of time with each other. We ended up going for ice cream the following Monday… if you recall I won the bet earlier, so he treated. We probably saw each other almost every day that week. The following week is when it became official. July 31st 2005 we were hanging out at his place watching tv and we started talking about our relationship and where it was heading. He then asked me if I wanted the title of being his girlfriend and of course I said yes! I blogged a lot on xanga.com back then. Here is my entry from that day:
"the last bump in the road.... could it be? something so unexpected... but also so right. Its crazy... This is who i have been looking for and apparently he has been looking for me too…. I feel so comfy with him.... the kind of comfy that takes months, to years to get to.... the kind of comfy that allows you to say anything, do anything no matter how dumb... look any kind of way (no need to look cute 24/7)…."
At this point the L word had yet to drop. That didn't occur until August 2nd. That night we went to the lounge, Glo in New Brunswick with Marotta and Patty… JA also stopped by later that night. We hung out there for a while with everyone then decided to take a walk around the block. While walking and talking it became apparent that we both wanted to tell each other, "I love you" however neither one of us wanted to say it first…! Farrad ended up saying it first and I of course followed up with the same to him.
We were both on cloud nine. Here's another blog entry:
"Right now i am the happiest i have been in a loooong time. We (Farrad and I) were talking the other day and i explained to him how i feel like i am living in my destiny right now.... for the longest i tried to be positive and look towards the future saying to myself-- the right guy will come a long... you'll meet someone who will share the same views, beliefs and feelings as you... someone will fall in love with you.... they will be a great friend.... etc and it has happened to me--- IN A MONTH… We're at a level that takes some ppl months to attain if not years.... the unconditional love he shows me--- is unbelievable. His open and straight forwardness i adore and appreciate.
This is the start of something good.... really good. Im looking forward to the years to come."
Our relationship continued to blossom are we began discussing moving in together in September 2005. We had an idea of where we wanted to move (although that's not where we ended up) so we began saving money and cleaning up our credit. We had a great partnership. We both wanted to be better people for each other. We were so excited at the thought of starting our lives together, it was all we could think and talk about. Looking back at old instant messages that I have saved, there are times when all we talked about were what kind of furniture we liked and of course how much we loved each other. We initially wanted to move by spring 2006 but we had a few set backs financially that pushed that date back some. To help save money Farrad decided he would go back to work at CompUSA part time. Farrad continued to impress and surprise me. He was in everyway what I thought my husband would be. I had never been so happy before. Not only had I fallen in love with him, so had my family.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's time came around. We had come up with a few money making and saving ideas to help save money during that time. The main project we had was our "garage sale" neither one of us had garage but we sold our unwanted things on eBay. Farrad did his project manager thing and came up with this intricate spreadsheet that integrated all aspects of our moving out plan. It calculated our profits from the garage sale, listed our expenses and even included a bar chart tracking how much we had saved vs. what we needed to have saved. He had thought of everything even including $ for snacks and beverages on move-in day! Another money saving plan we came up with was making our lunch instead of buying it from work. Every Sunday night we would cook enough food for both of us for the whole week. I looked forward to those times, we always had so much fun in the kitchen. We bought a few cook books and would pick random recipes, throw on some music and get to work! Sometimes the recipes didn't turn out right but we didn't care.
Shortly into our move out plan, I began having second thoughts on the apartment complex we had originally decided on. We had begun to discuss chores and who would be responsible for what. I naturally would be responsible for laundry… I could deal with me shrinking my own clothes…! So since I was taking that responsibility I decided we should have a laundry room in our place. Farrad was such a sweet heart, he told me, "if that will make you happy then that's what we will get." So we started searching. We came across the place that would become our home after our first choice had a waiting list with no estimated move in date in sight. So once we were positive this was the place we modified our spreadsheets and adjusted our savings since this place was a bit more expensive than the original place we had in mind. We headed down to the bank and opened a joint savings account so we could both easily dump money into it. We were on our way.
Spring 2006 came around. Although we were on a strict budget we managed to set aside some money to take a couple of trips. In March we and some friends planned to head down to Virginia for the weekend. Although there were some speed bumps along the way in the trip we ended up having a good time. A few weeks later in April we went down to Atlanta, Georgia for the wedding of a friend of mine. The wedding was intimate and beautiful. I am glad we were able to attend. Seeing Delroy and Christina get married made me want to hit the fast forward button on our relationship. I could not wait for the time when that would be Farrad and I. We had such a good time while down there. I got to meet Stella, who we stayed with, and also got to meet Farrad's cousins who live down there. We did a little bit of clubbing and site seeing while down there... we both really enjoyed ourselves and really liked the state. We had actually mentioned in passing maybe moving down there once we were ready to buy a house.
Shortly after returning from Georgia, we solidified our moving plans. We had saved more than half of the money needed so we went down to the rental office and signed our lives away. The day we returned from the rental office Farrad starting throwing out stuff and packing up a few boxes in his room. I knew he was just as excited as me if not more! We had managed to raise our credit scored significantly so we were fairly confident there would be no problems being approved. Sure enough a few weeks later Farrad got a call back. He called me at work and told me to pack my bags! Our dreams were starting to come true. Move in date was set to be July 1st 2006 so we had about 2 months to raise the rest of the money needed for the security deposit and for furnishings. Most of our conversation during that time was of silverware, dinnerware, tables, chairs and everything else! We did have a few set backs with regards to our savings plan but we managed to pull it off. We had the money for the security deposit, moving truck, bed room set and for most of all the little things needed like bathroom décor, blinds, kitchen furnishings and cleaning supplies. A few weeks before move in we did a walk through the apartment and took measurements. We were like kids in a candy store…we were still in shock that we had actually accomplished this. In the days leading up to getting the keys we arranged to rent a moving truck for 2 days, scheduled to have our bedroom furniture and mattress delivered, scheduled when the cable would be installed and more importantly… picked out paint colors! Everything fell into place seamlessly. July 1st came. We spent that day cleaning and painting. We only painted two rooms because we couldn't decide on a color for the 2nd bedroom aka our office. The following day we moved Farrad's stuff in and the bedroom set was delivered. The 3rd day was my stuff. We quickly began unpacking, putting everything in its place and purchasing all the little things we had yet to buy.
Just about everything in my life was going well. The only exception was my job. Things had become stressful for me after becoming supervisor of my department. Farrad was so supportive of me and always encouraged me to hang in there. However, in August I had reached my breaking point. Farrad pointed out to me how my personality had changed and he wanted his happy Nicole back. After discussions and reviewing our bills we agreed that I would quit my job to find a better opportunity. August 11th (the day before my birthday) was my last day at that job. Sort of a birthday present to myself! I was unemployed for two months before accepting my current job. Right before I started my current job, I was hit with the news that one of my young cousins in Maryland was shot and killed and also an ex boyfriend of mine had committed suicide. Farrad comforted me and helped me smile through that time of mixed emotions.
Moving on… because I had not been working, the final purchase for our home, the living room set, was put on hold. We had already picked out the set from Jennifer Convertibles so now all we had to do was save the money. Sometime in October we decided to host a get together. We really had not had anyone over since we didn't want people to have to sit on the floor or air mattress… so we decided to have friends over and MAKE them sit on the floor and we called the get together a living room picnic. We found a red and white checkered table cloth and laid it on the floor. I cooked a bunch of food and everyone who came sat on the floor, ate and hung out. We played Taboo and had a great time. That was our first time hosting and we were sure it wouldn't be the last.
Winter came around along with the holiday season. Prior to, we had started thinking about business ideas for Durralink. We planned to re-invent the company and re open for business in the near future. Ultimately Durralink was going to be our family business and our escape from working for other people. We were going to work for ourselves, make our own schedule and live life to its fullest. So we began to work on our ideas. I loved Farrad's enthusiasm and eagerness to get the business up and running although I didn't always cooperate and submit my projects on time. I knew he wanted the best life possible for the both of us… and he proved it. He would work almost everyday on the website or researching business ideas and strategies. We would daydream out loud to each other about how our life would be in the future. We would also take drives and walks around local neighborhoods looking at houses, knowing that one day that would be us.
February came along with more plans for the future. We began talking about replacing my car with something new after getting the living room set. And after getting the new car we planned to take vacations since we both had been feeling like we needed to take advantage of more opportunities to have fun in our lives. We didn't want to be all about work and no play. Early on, we had managed to save enough for the living room set and we finally had it delivered in the middle of the month. Our home was now complete. To celebrate we decided to have another get together that took place on the 25th. Again, we had such a great time hosting. We were thrilled that those who were able to make it also enjoyed themselves.
A few days before the get together, my BFF Vernell, Farrad and I went down to LA Fitness and opened a family plan. The three of us wanted to get in shape for the upcoming vacations we had been thinking of taking. We started going at nights about 4 times a week. Farrad helped to motivate me to go even though he always told me I was perfect and always disagreed when I complained of being fat.
Next action item, as Farrad would say was replacing my car. We had been researching different types of cars and decided we would get the new Honda CRV because it would be reliable and a good size once children were in the picture… I refused to drive a minivan! We worked out our budget, spoke with a car salesman and decided we would be able to purchase the car around March or April. After getting my money in order and arranging to sell my car at the time we went back to the dealership in early March to order the car. The salesman informed us that it may take weeks to get the car in because there was a shortage in the availability of model we wanted. However we did not have to wait long and I had the car March 31st.
Also around this time, Farrad found out he was going to receive a substantial raise that was 3 years overdue. Farrad was a consultant at Schering Plough. His manager at his agency for whatever reason did not want to give him a raise however his Schering mgr really fought on his behalf and made it happen. After hearing that news we were even more motivated to start making vacation plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. We had planned to head down to Virginia to visit his little sister India and friends, Gav and Neesh. He also owed me that trip from almost 2 years prior when I agreed to stop smoking for him. (I'm sorry Farrad).
One plan that was on our minds and in our hearts almost from the beginning was getting married. We wanted to have a real celebration and by Farrad's calculations he wanted this to take place around the time we purchased our first home. I know he was working on saving for a ring for me however we both had some financial set backs so the ring fund wasn't looking too hot but who cared. Every now and then we would look at hotels and reception halls to get an idea of what we might want for our wedding. We had already picked out "our song", Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung. Occasionally, I would look at wedding dresses as most girls do. I would fantasize about what that day would be like and how much fun we would have. I had finally found my soul mate and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving him. It was funny to hear friends ask when the big day would be even in the beginning. I guess everyone could see how much we loved each other and they knew as much as we did that we had found something special. Our relationship was perfect. Yes, we did have arguments or disagreements occasionally but we always kept sight of the bigger picture and always worked out our issues. Ok, ok so maybe our "issues" were not super serious and were more like who left their shoes in the hallway or who was going to sweep the floor but disagreements nonetheless. I remember in the beginning he felt compelled to tell me pretty much everything in his past… from the fact that he had a few bills and debts to past relationships. He said he did not want anything to mess our relationship up. I felt the same and I appreciated his honesty. Things were simple. We both wanted each other to be happy and we loved and trusted each other 1000%... so of course we would be married and live happily ever after.
The beginning of the end…The first week in April started out normal but did not end that way. The Saturday we picked up the car we spent with family, drove my mom and sister around so they could check out the car. We grabbed lunch at Applebee's then headed to my dad's job to see him for a bit and show him the car. We made plans for him to come over for dinner the next evening. Sunday came. We ran across the street to get groceries after waking up and I spent the latter part of the afternoon cooking. My dad stopped by after he got off work. Before Saturday it had been quite a while since I had seen or spoken to him. I'm glad he was able to come over that day.
Back to work for both of us on Monday. We had our routine, everyday Farrad was almost always the first to get out of bed… I am NOT a morning person. Eventually, we both would get our acts together, walk out the door at nearly the same time, kiss each other good bye and head off to work. We usually talked to each other all day long while at work on AIM so it was never like we were apart… almost 2 years into our relationship and we weren't sick of each other. J After work we would relax for a little and then I would prepare our dinner. Between 9 and 930 we would head off to the gym then come home go to sleep and start the cycle again. Thursday morning started out as usual however Farrad called me around 5pm as I arrived home. He explained to me that he was at JA's house and that he wanted to leave his car there because he didn't feel safe driving it and needed me to pick him up. Farrad had noticed the day before his car was making an… interesting sound when braking. I turned right around and headed out the door to pick him up. After arriving we decided to stop by his mom's since we were in the area. She had just gotten carpet installed in her home and we wanted to check it out. We stayed and chatted with her for a while. It was probably around 730/8pm when we decided to head home. While on our way we discussed how he was going to get to and from work the next day. We decided that I would drop him off and Ave would pick him up since he just so happened to be in town for the weekend. We also decided that since it was getting late and we still had not had dinner that we would skip the gym and make up for it the following day. That night we set our alarm clocks a little earlier in order to have enough time for me to take Farrad to Summit then head back down to the Hillsborough area so I could get to work on time.
Friday morning, I remember waking up before Farrad. I laid on my side and watched him breathe… something that was not out of the ordinary for me. He woke up shortly after and we began getting ready. Around 6am we headed out the door and made our way to Summit. That day Farrad was supposed to bring in bagels for his team so on the way we stopped at Manhattan Bagels which was probably around 15 minutes away from Schering Plough. While continuing en route to his job, Farrad mentioned that he felt like he couldn't catch his breath. I looked at him feeling worried but his calm disposition soothed me. I suggested that he crack the window while I turned down that heat which had been blazing. I also suggested that he sip on the bottle of water I had in the car. He seemed to feel better, well he didn't mention any further discomfort and he didn't look to be in any kind of pain.
We arrived at the entrance to his building a little after 7am. We sat and chatted while listening to Fergie play in the background. He pointed out to me the window that was near his desk and we confirmed our plans for the rest the day. We gazed into each other's eyes for a short while and we kissed. He told me he loved me. I told him, "I love you too". No sooner than after those words left my lips did I see him slump over. Not sure what was going on I grabbed him with my right hand while yelling his name and grabbing my cell phone with my left hand and dialed 911. He was still breathing but I could tell he was struggling and I knew he was not conscious. I in a panic began telling the 911 dispatcher what happened and our location. I kept calling Farrad's name hoping that he'd snap out of it. I saw a gentleman walking towards the entrance of the building and although I did not want to leave Farrad I ran over to him and explained quickly what happened and he offered to call Schering security to come assist. I ran back to the car to see Farrad in the same state. So distraught I began yelling at the 911 dispatcher trying to find out where the emergency squad was. The gentleman I had stopped came to the passenger side of my car and stood next to Farrad. I sat there feeling helpless as I said his name over and over and caressed the side of his face. Suddenly Farrad began to move. He managed to stretch himself out and it seemed like he was doing everything in his power to breathe. Shortly after he slumped over again however this time I could not hear him breathing like before. Now I'm really panicking. The police were the first to arrive on the scene which was probably within 5 minutes or so after I placed the call to 911. An officer came over quickly with an oxygen mask and strapped it on Farrad. He and his partner then proceeded to carry Farrad out of the car and lay him on the ground. The paramedics came right behind the police and began working to revive Farrad. I was in shock and remained in the driver seat of the car crying and yelling out "YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM FROM ME". Looking over to my right out of the passenger door I could see my baby lying on the cold ground surrounded by police and EMT's. They then cut the sweater my sister had given him for Christmas off and began placing the defibulator patches on his chest. This could not be happening. By now some Schering employees had come over and one woman in particular stood with me and helped comfort me. An officer came over and began asking me some questions I guess for his report and also to sort of distract me from what I was seeing and hearing. While talking to the officer I could hear the defibulator computer speaking. "Administering shock…do not touch patient". I believe they shocked him 3 times there while performing CPR in between. At one point I heard a cough and I thought it was Farrad but I was mistaken. After a few minutes they decided to get Farrad on a stretcher and head over to the hospital which was literally around the corner. At this point I was physically shaking and I did not know what was happening. I knew it wasn't good as they did not want me to ride in the ambulance with him. A Schering employee offered to drive me in my car to the hospital because there was no way I would have been able to drive. By now it was probably around 730am and we were on the way to the hospital. I quickly called my job and left a message stating what was happening and that I would not be coming into work. Still unaware of Farrad's condition; I could only think that in a little while he would be ok and I would get to see him. Soon as I entered the hospital I was directed to a desk near the emergency entrance. There the nurse began asking me basic questions to put him in their system. When finished another nurse came over to me and escorted me to the waiting area and sat with me. While in there I tried reaching Farrad's mom. I had her cell phone # but for some reason I couldn't get through. Then I remember the night before Farrad used my phone to dial her home # and it was still in my call history. I spoke with her and told her what happened and where we were and she started on her way to the hospital.
The nurse who sat with me kept giving me updates on what was happening with Farrad. She explained that when he arrive his heart was quivering instead of beating and they were working to bring back his heartbeat. She started out doing a good job of comforting me until she told me a story about how the same thing had happened to a little girl in the area and how she DIDN'T make it. I began to unravel at the thought of the same happening to Farrad. About 30 minutes later a cardiac surgeon came into the waiting room. She explained how they tried so hard, more than they usually would because of his age but she pronounced him dead at 804am. In that moment my life was shattered. A priest then came into the room and offered comfort and prayers. I can't remember anything he said all I remember are the tears that fell from my face. I remember trying to call my mom but she didn't pick up so I called my sister and broke the news to her. I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. About 10 minutes later Farrad's mom (Vanessa) arrived and they sat her in the waiting room with me and I had to listen in disbelief to the news a second time. I sat speechless and teary eyed as I watched her heart break. How could this happen? This cannot be true. This MUST be a dream…!! We sat in the room, hugging and crying until Vanessa asked to see Farrad. I was petrified and scared and part of me didn't want to see Farrad… not like that. I followed behind the Dr., nurse, priest and Vanessa down the hall into the room Farrad had been placed in. He looked like he was sleeping. I stood next to him shaking and crying like a baby. A nurse brought over chairs for us and I sat next to him weeping, holding his hand looking at him in disbelief for hours. During that time my family and his began arriving and soon filled the room. We stayed as long as possible and ended up leaving him around 1230 or so. I sooooo did not want to leave his side. I did not want to say goodbye I recall breaking down in the hallway sobbing, "I can't do this…" I knew there must have been some mistake… some way of bringing him back. That couldn't be it. How does the heart of a healthy 27 year old stop for no reason?? This doesn't make sense.
My sister drove my car and we headed to her place. On the way I tried making phone calls to friends using Farrad's phone to tell them what happened. It was so hard getting the words out. How can I state something as fact that I do not believe? Even as I type this, I am taken back to that moment and I still cannot believe this tragedy has happened. Why him? Why me? God why??
The week after, leading up to the funeral was extremely difficult. Physically, I felt and still do feel like my heart has really been broken. A part of me is missing. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Mentally, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. How can I go on living? How could I ever be happy again? Why would God who loves his children allow so much pain and suffering? Again, I have no answers. I stayed at my sisters but I went back home a few times during that week… that was hard however was also comforting. This is his home too and I know if he could be anywhere that's where he would want to be.
A few days before the services I had to bring over clothes for Farrad. I chose the suit he had gotten for the wedding we attended the year prior. He looked so good all dressed up… my sister's friend Maria called him a certified hottie after seeing our picture. I decided to spray his suit with the cologne he wore most frequently. I sometimes sit crying and smell his dress shirts that were set aside for dry cleaning. They still smell like him.
The funeral services although difficult were beautiful; Farrad was and still is very much loved. Thank you to everyone who came out and those who wanted to but couldn't. Thank you for every hug, kiss, card, phone call, prayer, gift, text message, email and every other kind word received. I truly appreciate it.
So now what? Here we are almost two months after and it still feels like I'm stuck on April 6th. I can't understand how I still have tears left… I cry everyday. I was telling JA last night, there may be moments when I laugh or smile… but I am not happy. Before Farrad was in my life, I was not a happy person. I felt empty inside and there were nights when I would cry myself to sleep not really knowing the reason for my tears. After Farrad came into my life everything changed. I had joy and I knew that no matter what went wrong in my life, we had each other and that made everything else bearable. So how CAN I be happy now? The person that made me the happiest and gave me a reason for living is gone. While I am not suicidal and I'm not planning anything [im too chicken anyway], I have no desire to live and I look forward to the day when my life has ended because I know then, we will be reunited one last time. How am I supposed to get through this? At times I don't even want to get through this. I don't want to think of him and not cry or be sad. I don't want to move on with my life and move past this. I also don't want to deal with the emotional, mental, physical and financial struggle now on my plate. He should still be here… and I am angry [not sure at who] that he is not. Every morning when I wake up, a part of me hopes he will be there next to me. When I come home from work and walk past the office, sometimes I think maybe one day he'll be sitting at the computer like he usually would. When I go to sleep at night, I wait for him to join me… but he never comes. I anxiously wait to see him in my dreams. He has come to me in my dreams 4 times and each time was bittersweet as I was so excited to see him, but he couldn't talk to me. I wanted him to tell me that I was going to be ok, that he would always be with me… I need to hear it from him. But all he would do was smile at me and raise his eyebrows like he would when imitating my mom. In the last dream where he visited me, he placed a gold necklace that had a gold ring on it around my neck. That was several weeks ago and I haven't seen him since. That hurts. I do however talk to him everyday and I ask him to help me and the rest of our families. I hope he can hear me… I ask if at all possible, that I see him one more time… even if only for a little while. I would give any and every thing to see him again.
Every now and then I feel him with me. Last weekend, my sister and I went to see Isha graduate from Rutgers. I felt so proud of her (since meeting her in October I felt like I had gained another sister). After the ceremony we met up with her in the parking lot and when we hugged I couldn't stop crying and I didn't want to let go. I got a very warm feeling in my heart. I guess Farrad was giving us both hugs because she said she felt the same.
I have no idea what life without him will be like. I love him more than myself. He was my reason for everything. He was so kind, giving, smart… a beautiful person inside and out. Words cannot effectively describe how much I miss him. My life changed because of him and I don't think I will ever be the same now that he is not here. I guess time will tell…
I started writing this right after it happened... and I could go on and on retelling other memories we shared but I'd like to end this here with the comment I posted on his myspace page a few days after he passed. Thank you all, again.
Love,
Qnhik
Apr 8, 2007 10:33 PMIt's funny I can hear you telling me to "walk it off"... if only I could.
I keep replaying Friday morning over and over in my head. I still think this all must be a really bad dream and i will wake up at any time.
I miss you so much. I need you here with me. I need you to help me go on cuz right now i feel like i can't. I need you to help your mom and your sisters too.
I am glad our last words to each other were I love you, i hope that was the last thing on your mind... i hope you were not in pain.
I hope you can see the picture Noell drew for me, although I have a feeling you were in on that.
I told you before, you are a beautiful person, i love you so much. I wished we could have spent more time together but i am grateful the the time that we did have.
Before re-uniting with you i thought i'd never meet my soulmate. After meeting you, i couldnt imagine life without you.
So, you cant leave me. You cant. I need to know you still hear me when I talk to you. I wish I could still feel your embrace... hold your hand... hear you sing the wrong words to my favorite songs....
You are what made me feel whole. I have so many thoughts running through my head and i know this may sound scattered... trying to put into words everything you are me is impossible...
but, "you already know"
my 5 for the day:
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you so much.
Now its your turn.
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