6 months – How am I doing?
If by chance you have not read my blog titled "Our Story" I suggest you read that before reading this… (click here)
So…. How am I doing? A question asked so frequently in the English language. Out of politeness most answer the question with "good" or "great" regardless of what might be going on in their lives. Nowadays when I'm asked, "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" the most common response from me is "I'm ok…." Those who are privy to my inner most feelings might get a more in depth response like "bleh", "blah" or "ehh".
Hard to fathom that it has been 6 months already. Farrad's existence did not define my own however life without him seems so unimportant and meaningless. I have come to accept the fact that he is not returning… there is nothing that can be done to bring him back… but why do I still look for him? My tears, although less frequent are no less if not more intense when they come. Maybe because it is now more than just missing my other half, it's the realization that undoubtedly paradise has been paved over and I'm left standing in the parking lot which is my life. Gone are the days where I had a general idea of what my future held. Farrad and I knew we would eventually get married and have kids (he wanted 3). I knew I had motherhood to look forward to and a life of happiness spent with my true love. Now what do I have to look forward to? Figuring out whether or not I have to go to my second job…. working my numbers to make sure I can cover the months bills… coming home to an empty house (with the exception of Eric's cat that I am "baby" sitting). I still have problems thinking past the here and now. I cannot imagine starting over and falling for someone else... taking my heart which has been shattered like tempered glass after a brick was tossed at it… taping it together and handing it to someone else to possibly be broken again??? Ummm…. I pass.
At times I feel like I'm living a double life. Sometimes the two cross each other but I try my hardest to prevent that. For example, last week I arrived at work (the fulltime job) and I had just begun to work. I received an IM from a friend and coworker of mine and unsure why exactly, as it was totally unrelated to the IM, I got extremely flustered, then angry and then without warning burst out into tears and had a hard time snapping out of it. Now if I were doing my job the more emotional Nicole would have never made it into work that day and would have probably been left in the car waiting for the ride home. This is probably the reason I started smoking again. Qnhik must stay focused and appear to be together… so rather than wallow in self pity and be overwhelmed by emotions like Nicole, Qnhik smokes for 5 min, shakes it off… and then gets back to work. It's very effective. This pseudo strength Qnhik possesses I've have realized is more or less, a defense mechanism.
So what have I been up to in the past few months? What has changed? Some obvious changes have been… I cut off most of my hair. It was only right. I had been growing my hair for over 5 years planning for my wedding and how I wanted to look on that day. I no longer had a reason to hang onto it, so for about $30 bucks I said goodbye to about a foot and a half of hair. I don't think it was due to the amount of hair cut off but I have also lost about 15 pounds. Initially I was not eating and most of the time when I did eat it was forced because I had no appetite. I resumed almost normal eating habits but I'm still losing. As I alluded to earlier, I found a part time job to help with bills. Its ok, I get paid way more than I should for what my job entails so I can't really complain, but I do. A few changes that aren't so obvious have been, rediscovering books. After seeing the movie The Pursuit of Happyness, Farrad and I purchased the book. One day I decided to begin reading it at the second job to pass time and half way through, a light bulb went off in my head and found myself super eager to read. How unusual is it for someone who loves to write… to hate to read….!? Well that has changed. Over about a 3 week time period I finished 3 books. I started the 4th and the 5th (one is a text book) but I really need to go to the book store and find more things to read. One other rediscovery, I am trying to get back into art. I have a blog on Xanga from a few years ago… after my grandfather passed away and I mentioned how I missed our art projects and I missed watching him paint and create. I used to doodle and dabble in calligraphy. I never thought I was a great artist and still don't. After moving into our apartment I was feeling, for lack of a better term, off; and Farrad suggested that I paint something to help get me back on track and to create something to hang in our living room since we were having a hard time finding something to match our décor. I took the challenge and I ended up creating something I loved and felt proud of. That was a great feeling. Since, I have painted a few more things and even sold 2 to my sister's friend for her new home. The text book I am reading is to enhance my drawing skills which I know will help me with my paintings. The goal at this point is to embrace whatever brings me the tiniest bit of happiness. I plan to upload pictures of my art in the future so keep an eye out. I also plan to write more. I at times find it hard to talk about my feelings because I feel like a broken record. Maybe because I am usually asked the same questions… which I understand or maybe because at times things are so overwhelming its hard to articulate and find the right words to express myself…so I end up saying the same things.
Another slight change has been my outlook on life. I say slight change because I don't feel my view on life has changed drastically. What has changed the most is my desire to live my life. I can't say that I do not care what other think about me because everyone does to some extent… that's normal. However I feel that I have always tried to live my life knowing that now is all we have. You cannot count on 10 years from now, 2 months... heck 2 hours. Yes there is some planning that needs to take place in life however sometimes procrastination has no place. Living to please others, making choices based on what others suggest isn't always a great idea. This is not to be confused with constructive criticism or sound advice…. I digress. All I am trying to say (right now) is tomorrow is not promised so I am striving to do things and embrace those that make me happy now. It is not always easy. It is far easier to curl up in a corner and sob until my face is swollen; even more so now that I am working from home a few days a week… but I'm trying. My happiness now, is a direct correlation to those closest to me. It's you guys that make me smile when I don't want to. It's you who remind me that you love me and make it a little easier to continue on in this life. Those whose love for Farrad has been extended to me I am truly appreciative and I'm glad he had such good friends and such a loving family in his life. I would love to go down the line but I would hate to leave anyone out so I will say this, To my family& friends (Farrad's and mine): immediate, extended, old and new, $.O.T.H., BFFs, BMS, AIM, MySpace, friends of friends of friends and everyone else…. Thank you once again. Those two words I do not feel encapsulate what I truly feel for you all but I hope somehow you understand. I have had a realization about myself… it is soooooo hard for me to ask for help. I have always wanted to be independent and do everything on my own. Fortunately, I have been able to stay afloat with regards to bills these past months but this would not be possible without the help I have received. I love you guys.
What does the future have in store? I have no idea. I would be foolish to say that here on out will be roses and gum drops. I know for a fact there will be more heart ache and hard times. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" everyone says. I say, stronger for what? "God works in mysterious ways… everything happens for a reason… He never gives you anything that you cannot bear…." Lately, I have been feeling like this (life/planet/universe) is God's big science project. What is the point of it all? I think Qnhik is way more cynical and jaded than Nicole ever was. (yes, I know referring to myself in the third person [by different names] DOES NOT help refute the fact that I am not crazy!) I have always questioned the meaning of life… even more so now. There are things we value that make no difference when we die. Money, prestige, "flyness"…heck even education… they all make things easier while here on earth but when its all said and done who cares how much money you made or how many degrees you had. I feel like the things you will be most remembered for is your character and integrity. Farrad fell into the deep end of the pool when it came to integrity. He was always willing to help another: strangers, friends, co-workers... his family or mine. I have never met anyone as sweet as him. He was always truthful even those times when he didn't want to be. If anything good can be taken from this situation I say, I will follow Farrad's example of kindness, honesty and love and hope that is what I am remembered for.
I have mentioned some good changes and some not so good… there is one change that is in the middle for me. Some may consider it a change for the worse others may not. I am referring to changes in my beliefs regarding religion. In the past few years I considered myself agnostic. I grew up in the Christian church and school however other religions always intrigued me. In church I usually felt out of place and like I didn't belong so I'm sure that didn't help matters but fast forward to now. It's pretty simple. I am angry. I am angry at God and angry at myself for being angry at God. I tried going to church after Farrad passed even though I hadn't been in years but that was not good. Hearing about God's love made me furious and all I could do was cry. Have you ever gotten so angry you feel heat in your chest and face…? That's how angry I get. He's the one who has His eye on the sparrow…so why do I feel forgotten? I haven't prayed since April. What is there to pray about? The single most important prayer I have ever prayed in my entire insignificant life went unanswered… so why bother. I see others who have experience pain equal if not worse than mine and they continue to praise and thank God and I seriously do not understand how. In my eyes praising and thanking God now would be similar to thanking the EMT's for not saving Farrad. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should he get credit for the good when it's outweighed by so much bad…? I feel even though he may not have been the cause of Farrad's passing He could have prevented it. I wonder if this was to somehow teach me a lesson… something to get me to go back to church. If so, it's not working. I feel I have the right to be angry and I hope that He understands that and feels my pain… I mean if not… what kind of God would He be? I cannot deny what I feel because of how it may come across. I never denied His existence… we're just not on speaking terms right now.
I have not been to the cemetery since we left him there. I think partly because I know I feel closer to him here at home rather than someplace with random other people. I used to ask him all the time if he was around me, if he heard me when I talked to him. I received confirmation… I received a message from a stranger containing a message from Farrad. This person had no idea that the message she relayed contained the answers to the very same questions I had asked Farrad. This has done a lot to help me…. soooo much (If you are reading this, thank you again for contacting me). Dreams of Farrad have not come as frequent as before. One of the last dreams I had, Farrad was in the back seat of my car crying hysterically. I was driving and stopped the car and turned to him and consoled him. I heard him saying, "I can't" over and over similar to how I sounded in April… I took from that, that just as in the in the dream I consoled him when he cried; he does the same for me. I think about my past dreams a lot especially one I had in either last Dec or Jan. I dreamt that I died. It was never clear how in the dream I died—it was just understood. In the dream I was able to communicate with Farrad through notes and at one point in the dream I asked him if he could hear me because I had been saying something. He nodded yes. Come to think of it he never spoke to me in the dream similar to how in my "dreams" after he passed it seemed as if he was not allowed to speak to me. I constantly wonder if this dream was a warning for me and somehow I should have figured it out…. sooner.
There are so many unanswered questions. I guess one day we all will find out and get some answers. I look forward to that day when all of my questions are answered and I see him again which I know I will.
Six months, half a year… has gone by so fast. I am not really looking forward to the holidays… I have a feeling it is going to be rough but what can I do… they will come and go just as fast as May, June, July and August. It is not fair that he is no longer here physically to share life with me but I like to think that his spirit/soul is still connected with mine and he still shares in my life in a slightly different way. I started writing this a while ago and unfortunately my laptop crapped out on me and I lost everything. I had most of my documents backed up on Farrad's computer but not this one so I started rewriting last week and actually this is version much better. The original version was a lot angrier! When I started writing the original I was feeling super angry towards God and life and how I never chose to be on this earth and why I feel like I have little say on what happens in my life. While my thoughts and feelings haven't changed much… I guess I may be dealing with it a little better… or not dealing with it. I am not quite sure. The prayer/quote below, I have seen many many many times… I guess it's pretty true. That's basically all I have been trying to do.
"…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."
Once again thank you all for your continued love and support. I would be truly hopeless without you.
Love Always,
Qnhik
Posts
