Summary of 2007 & Aspirations for 2008

Honestly I thought I had a lot more time to write this after posting my last blog. Today is the last day of 2007. That is absurd. I know I keep repeating myself but I feel like this year just began not too long ago. I remember bringing in 2007 with Farrad and my half asleep mom, with sparkling cider while sitting on an air mattress in our living room. I did not make any resolutions, I rarely do. However, Farrad and I did have a lot of goals and plans on the table and we were working on figuring them all out. I was so eager to see how things would come to fruition just as our GTFO (acronym for our move out project – Get the F Out, ) plan was executed and completed perfectly. 2007 has been overwhelming and presumably impossible for me… in other words, it has been whack! The first 3 months of the year were pretty good. Emotionally/Mentally I was doing ok. I had slipped into some form of depression but Farrad was helping me get back on track. Physically I had managed to gain a substantial amount of weight (comparing myself to how I USED to look in my size 1 jeans) –I joined the local LA Fitness to help get rid of it. My self esteem was not and has never been the greatest so the extra weight did not help at all. Spiritually, not much had changed… I had no desire to go to church; however, I did have faith. Interestingly, in the movie Dogma (1999), Bartleby (an angel cast down to earth) asks Bethany,"When do you think you lost your faith?" Her reply was, "I remember the exact moment…" Before April I couldn't really grasp how that was possible. I had reservations regarding religion, church, Jesus fanatics, and hypocrites… but not God. Bethany continued to say, "I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God? Apparently not." I can now totally identify and sympathize with this [Bethany] character. I lost my faith on April 6^th 2007.

The time between April and now has been a blur but there have been a handful of experiences that have stood out for me. The time spent cultivating new friendships, cherishing & rekindling old friendships—experiencing love and kindness from those closest to Farrad… that will always be something I cherish. There were (and still are) times when all I could do was cry and ask why. There were also times that warmed my heart and made me truly happy—something I thought was not possible without Farrad.

Thinking back to mid July when a bunch of us met up in Fredericksburg, VA for the weekend… I had such a great time. It was a much needed mini vacation with some of my favorite people that helped to take my mind off the stressful issues going on at the time. The electric lemonades sure helped to distract, so did getting the "people's elbow" after being body slammed by Maine. Thanks. I also think back to my birthday party. That was one of the only birthday parties I have ever had and it was one of my favorite days this summer. The No (clothespin) game was great and of course our intense rounds of Taboo and UNO were hilarious. I think the party lasted close to 12 hours—it was I believe after 2am when we really started packing up to go home. There have been so many fun outings in the past few months. Even the night we were supposed to go to Great Adventures (Six Flags) for Fright Fest turned out to be a lot of fun. We ended up staying in and had dinner at my place because it had been raining all day. We tried playing the game Scene It but apparently we hadn't [seen it] since we didn't really know all the movies it referenced. Next time guys…. Next time!

The past nine months, have been a series of many ups, downs, existential contemplations, epiphanies and introspections; in 2008 I hope the good times out weigh the bad and I anticipate the birth of new enlightenment and understanding. More so than ever I have found myself questioning the purpose of… everything. Why are we here? Why the suffering and pain? What happens when we die? I know religion serves a purpose to answer these questions. In my eyes, we are all in some way or another reaching toward the same goal… same destination—just taking a different path. Who am I to say the path you chose is incorrect. Heck, I cannot even say the path that I am on is correct. I have read a few books on different religions and I have also been to a few different churches outside of my Christian upbringing and my initial thoughts and feelings were confirmed. Everyone wants to fulfill their purpose for living and church/religion provides the teachings and handbook to do just that. In addition to the handbook they have also devised some guidelines that help you cope with life for instance; when good things happen that is "God" and the angels looking out. When bad things happen that is the "Devil". But sometimes, bad things happen and it is not the Devil's doing… it is God and His master plan and you just have to accept that. Like Bethany, that is where I have a problem. I mention all this because it is a topic that has ALWAYS been on my mind but since April it has logically been more significant and magnified. I'll expound on that another time.

One thing I have noticed about myself this year is when you no longer have a gripping fear of death… your outlook on life changes. It is normal for people to not want to die and to fear that moment but can you imagine how everything would change if you lived fearlessly? Think about it. If you do not fear death… logically, what would you or could you be afraid of? Nothing. A lot of people are afraid of change, afraid of failure… even afraid of success; this only serves as speed bumps on life's highway. This life is all we have— we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. I am always reminded of The Matrix (1999), when after Neo was [physically] freed, he was taken to the top of a building and told to make an impossible jump. His instructions were "free your mind". Ok yes, he tasted the pavement that day but we all know what happened once he really let go and his mind was unrestrained. Of course I am not suggesting you take up BASE jumping at your local sky scraper. I am only trying to explain how I have been feeling because it has been one of the major driving forces for the decisions I have been making and how I am trying to live my life. I believe Neo's instructions can be applied to any situation. It is an injustice to sell yourself short or underestimate what you are capable of. I am a work in progress on this one. Growing up, my mother tried her hardest to remove the phrase "I can't" from my vocabulary. While I do not find myself thinking or saying "I can't" often, I do sometimes doubt my abilities. I was talking with my sister yesterday and told her I feel at times that I am a jack of all trades and master of none… I feel like I am OK at a bunch of things but not, great in just one. I am working on that now as I can see how that can be my own speed bump.

No matter how hard you work for success if your thought is saturated with the fear of failure, it will kill your efforts, neutralize your endeavors and make success impossible. -- Bandjuin

My aspiration for 2008 is to continue with this attitude and I challenge those reading to make this adjustment as well. You deserve nothing less than excellence; do not sabotage yourself with a self-deprecating attitude and fail to try for fear of failing. Free yourself from anything or anyone that can hold you back from reaching your dreams. There is no excuse or justification for not trying— you are accountable for the realization and attainment of your destiny. Make it happen!

In closing, I leave you with the lyrics to a song currently stuck on repeat in my car. Download it if you have the time!

Love Always,

Qnhik

Happy New Year! Please be safe!

---

Elliot Yamin - Free

Now that fear is out of the way
I'm starting to see myself so clear
Like a light shining into the night
Everybody has a day
When they're criticized for something
But hold on to what you believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Movin' so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright,alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Every chance that we take
Is one less mistake we can make
Sometimes are blessings are in disguise
Look beyond what they say
It don't really matter what they see
As long as you can believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Moving so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

It's difficult to hold on
So easy to let go
And take the road that's least resistant
But you gotta be persistent
Lead and never follow
Don't wait for tomorrow
Got to do it today
Yeah

Free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Lemonade - Life & Purpose

Lemonade – Life & Purpose

I have often wondered how someone could get to the point where taking their own life, seems like a good idea. I couldn't understand how they could feel/think there was no other option and everything would be better if they simply ceased to exist. I'd like to reiterate that I do not feel suicidal (I think) however I now fully understand how anyone dealing with a tragedy could become just that. This person is brought to a place where things just don't make sense; life seemingly has no real purpose. No longer living just existing with no hope that things will ever improve. Religion says life is a gift from God. Who is to say that if the life you're given doesn't fit right or just isn't your style that you can't exchange it for something better or…. maybe return it for store credit?? Fortunately for those around me, the fear of hurting those close to me and getting it all wrong is what prevents me from attempting anything. I'd be the one to screw up and survive and end up in a much worse mental state then when I started.

Both Farrad and I said when we first started dating that there HAD to be a catch because it was way too good to be true and we usually never got what we wanted in life. How could we be so lucky? I chalked it up to that good ole karma making its way back around to us… giving us a break. I guess I was wrong and our initial hunch was correct. I am glad we had the little time that we did. Time spent with Farrad has been the happiest I have ever remembered being, aside from maybe playing Simon Says with my mom and sister back when I was about 6 or 7 yrs. old. If I had to do it all over knowing what I know now I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't want to live this life without experiencing Farrad's love and kindness. It truly is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I just so desperately wish we didn't have to "lose" each other.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been reading more. At the suggestion of a Myspace friend I have recently finished the book Afterlife by John Edward (of the TV show Crossing Over). Most of the book is his retellings of sessions he has had with those who have lost someone close. It is his job to speak to those who have crossed over and relay their messages to those who remain. I know this may sound far fetched or even crazy to some of you; but I believe in his gifts and wonderful things he has done for so many people. This book actually helped to put some things into perspective and validate some experiences I have had. I am not 100% sure what life is all about and its whole purpose but John helped me to realize that we are here to learn. No, I don't mean algebra and chemistry; I'm talking about learning how to be the best you can and learning how to treat others. I have mentioned previously that in my "dreams" of Farrad it is as if he cannot speak. John confirms that those who have passed cannot or will not speak to offer advice because in a sense, that's cheating. If you were given all the answers you would miss the meaning of the lesson. I'm not going to get into who created the lesson because you know I'm going to say I never signed up to be in the class in the first place! In any event, I am here trying to figure out what on earth I needed to learn that in order for me to understand I had to suffer such a great loss. Maybe it's to help another or provide insight through my writing…? I have come to realize that I am not that special in the sense that so many others have experienced and will experience grief like I have. That in no way makes it hurt less but it is comforting to know I am not the only one. Am I supposed to be offering hope to those who are in my shoes? How can I when I, myself feel hopeless? More so than ever I have been compelled to write and I am even thinking of writing a book of some sort. I wonder if I ever would have fully pursued that idea if not for this tragedy. Don't get me wrong… I would gladly and immediately give up my right and left arms if it meant I could be with Farrad again. They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Since there is nothing I can do to turn back time and bring Farrad back; I will do my best to honor Farrad and keep his memory alive by writing about him. I hope I make him proud… in whatever I may accomplish. Maybe in the process I will help another who's hurting… maybe even myself.

I have been wrestling with the idea of going to see a therapist. I mean, it does sound like the logical thing to do. However, the thought of retelling our story to a stranger…reliving the painful memories of April… I am soooo hesitant. I know that sounds sort of crazy since I have basically done the same thing here in my blogs… trust me, it's different. Maybe sometime down the line or maybe ill wait until everything builds up and explodes on paper. I guess you guys will know when I have worked out all my issues when I start writing about rainbows and ponies!

I plan to write at least one more blog before the year is over where I intend to give an overview of 2007 and plans for 2008. Stay tuned…

Love Always,

Qnhik