One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??
June 5, 1979 – April 6, 2007
Is it just me, or has time flown past?? I have been trying to figure out how I got here. It has been one year… and so far, I have survived. There were many moments where I really did not think I would even get to this point. There were times when I cried so hard my head throbbed, my eyes were swollen and my chest ached as if an elephant were sitting on my rib cage. There were also times when I literally felt psychotic and detached from reality. I recall watching everyone go on with their lives while I felt stuck and angry wondering why the world had not stop spinning. In addition to trying to deal with Farrad’s death I also had to try to manage my finances and figure out what I was going to do next, so there were and still are times when I feel overwhelmingly frustrated. I am a work in progress but I am doing much better now. It is as if I have just awakened from a coma and am now re-assimilating to life. I feel like a different person… I believe it’s because I am. Its cliché but they always say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I believe that is true. I know I am stronger today than I was the day before. I could and would never trivialize Farrad’s existence or passing by defining it as only a learning experience or growth opportunity however it would be foolish of me to NOT take anything from this tragedy and use it to make improvements and develop into a better person.
In my last blog I spoke about how my outlook on life has changed—my message was to free yourself from anything stopping you from achieving your dreams. I wholeheartedly believe and stand behind that notion and I feel that in doing so we continue our own pursuit of happiness. Mentally and emotionally this is where I am today. Towards the beginning of this year I resolved to change my attitude because I was only sabotaging myself. For so long I had been miserable and often would feel guilty for expressing any kind of joy. I often thought it is not fair that I am here laughing at this corny joke or spending time with friends and family and cannot share this with Farrad. I suffocated my desire to be happy because all I could think about was how much I missed Farrad and how angry I was that he was taken from me. I have done a 180º turn. I realize that I am still here so I should do my best to make the most of this life. I deserve to be happy and I know Farrad would want that for me. While it is completely understandable for me to be upset, I cannot imagine Farrad commiserating and facilitating my unhappiness. I know for a fact I do not look cute when I am crying! Instead, Farrad would want me to think on him and be happy for the time we shared, to look towards the future with an optimistic attitude and to continue chasing happiness.
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
-Helen Keller
Today marks one year since Farrad’s life ended. Not a day goes by where I do not think of him and it is difficult not to replay our last moments over and over in my head. This week I started out feeling OK but halfway through it changed for the worse. Thinking about how hard my life has been and how uncertain my future is, magnified how much I miss him. I remember back in 2005, Farrad and I were apart for a weekend because he needed to be with his brother
In closing, I want to share with you something I have been marinating on. Earlier this week when after slipping into a crappy mood; I was reminded of my blessings and encouraged to look at today, not as the anniversary of Farrad’s death, but as a day to celebrate his life. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know the summation of his life does not equal the manner in which he died. Today, I make a conscious effort to choose to remember the good times more so than the bad and hope my tears reflect joy and not sorrow. To those reading who love Farrad I encourage you to do the same.
Love Always,
Qnhik
Song lyrics | Seasons Of Love lyrics
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