//Refracted Light and Miniature Horses

4 Years Later

2011-04-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

Farrad L. Harding - June 5, 1979 ~ April 6, 2007

In life, there are going to be disappointments. Things won't always go as planned; people you thought, upon meeting, would be in your life indefinitely have reached the end of their season. Heartache and anger are more than emotional manifestations and goodbyes suck regardless of the circumstances.

These are things that I know. During the past four years I have cried more than my share of tears and felt anger beyond my control. I have felt lost, betrayed, hopeless and apathetic to life to say the least. However, I have resolved that everything does happen for a reason... even the most painful. I know I am stronger despite the tears running down my face. I know I am loved despite the unlovely things I have been through. I know things are made smooth by friction and diamonds are formed by pressure so I will continue to move forward, allowing these experiences to change me for the better.

Farrad, there aren't enough words to explain what you mean to me. I think of you daily and I hope I am making you proud. You are dearly missed and I will always love you.

xoxo
Nicole

I dont know who wrote this but I like it....

2009-02-09T13:56:00.000-08:00

"After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love
doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't
always mean security.

And you being to learn
that kisses aren't contracts and
presents aren't promises
so you begin to accept
your defeats with your
head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even the sunshine
burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that
you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn with every goodbye
you learn..."

You - 2.0

2008-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

You - 2.0

2008 is coming to an end… I will do my best to stay away from cliché statements and it is not my intention to get over philosophical or deep… it has just been a long time since I've blogged and now is as good of a time as any.

Main Entry: res·o·lu·tion

Function: noun

The act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering: solving c: the act of determining

Usually I do not have "new year's resolutions". There is no way you can get me to stop eating chocolate or fast food french fries. I am not going to join a gym. I am not going to church. I am not giving up alcohol lol and I will probably continue to flip flop with my smoking habit. However, there are a few things in my life… a few conundrums from 2008 that I would like to see resolved in 2009. I am not going to list them out --- lol I don't need random messages from you guys policing me hahaha. I know for a fact, I am not the only one who is stubborn and does not like being told what to do. I also know that sometimes when ideas or suggestions turn into obligations it easier to resist… kicking and screaming then to just…. "man up". I believe there comes a time when the whining, procrastinating and excuses don't cut it anymore and there is no other option but deal with the issue. Easier said than done (I know)— but I believe we all should be challenging ourselves to be a better, more improved version of ourselves.

I am a constant work in progress—trying to improve myself little by little. It has not necessarily been easy and sometimes I don't even feel like I am moving in the right direction. My life has been on quite the journey in these past 2 years. I have experienced so many emotions at so many levels—good and bad. In the midst of those varying emotions have been a few constants— my family & friends. It is because of you that I am still here. You unknowingly were the reasons for my smiles on my bad days. You have encouraged me to pursue what makes me happy. You have been there when I've needed you most. I hope on some level what I mean to you, is a reflection of what you mean to me. I hope for you and all those who read this in the coming year, an over abundance of love, happiness, good fortune and good times. I hope you continue to look for the silver lining, chase your dreams, and find your destiny while I do the same.

Happy New Year and Each Day Thereafter!!

Qnhik's DOs and DON'Ts for Living.

Do – Make time to introspect.

Don't – Linger on negativity or regret.

Do – Write down your ideas & work on them one by one. (my Mom taught me this)

Don't – Get overwhelmed by looking at the entire list.

Do – Practice compassion and put yourself in another's shoes.

Don't – Be narrow-minded or judgmental in your views.

Do – Seize the moment because second or third chances aren't always in your fate.

Don't – Take anything or anyone for granted (losing should not be the only way you learn to appreciate)

Do – Be gentle in the dealings with another's heart.

Don't – Bust the windows out of anyone's car!

Do – Mean what you say— your word should be a treasured possession.

Don't – Mar your character by practicing deception.

Do – Know your worth and always follow your dreams.

Don't – EVER jeopardize your self esteem.

Do – Stop to smell the roses and pursue happiness everyday.

Don't – Be too serious and always make time to play.

Do – Pick your battles and stand your ground.

Don't – Be too petty and don't be too proud.

Do – Wear your heart on your sleeve and hold onto good advice.

Don't – Be stingy with love nor forget the fragility of life.

Love always,

Qnhik v2.1 (beta version)

Dear Farrad

2008-06-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Farrad, 6/5/2008

I know it has been a little while since I last spoke to you. I hope you understand. I love you so much but it hurts to know that we won't be spending our lives together like we planned. I, like so many others, are broken hearted that we will not be able to hear your laughter, see your smile, experience your kindness like we once did. How could I possibly function if I lingered on these thoughts…? It is much easier for me to detach myself from those emotions and find something to distract me. However, why does everything remind me of you? I am sure that it's not a coincidence but it makes some days harder than others. Work serves as a good distraction however I wish you were still here (physically)—I am finally getting somewhere in this company like we talked about but I feel all alone. Who can I turn to for the advice like you would offer? You were/ are apart of so many aspects of my life and I feel at times like I cannot get through this without you. So, I tell myself to stop being a baby…. Stop crying already. It has been over a year haven't you gotten over this by now??

I'm moving in a few weeks and I am having mixed emotions. When thinking about leaving this place... I cannot help but to reminisce about when we first moved in here. I remember the day we got the keys and how excited we were. Similar to how people feel about their beloved childhood home is how I feel about this place. To leave here forces me to think that I will be losing a piece of you. I know the move is the wisest thing to do and things will be ok—I just wish I was in a position where I didn't have to. There are many pros to moving and I will try to focus on those. The past year has been quite rough and I have even surprised myself at the "progress" I have made and what I have accomplished. At the same time, I think what does it matter… you are not here to share any of this with.

I sometimes wonder what you are doing as if you were simply on an extended vacation. Do you still come around? Do you visit me in dreams? I haven't been remembering many dreams lately and I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sure I must look neurotic to you… I'd like to say I hope to hear from you soon and honestly believe that, but I know better.

I will try continuing to be a "big girl" and hope that I make you proud. Please continue to watch over us.

I love you. I miss you. I need you.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Forever Always,
Nicole

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

2008-04-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

One Year Later – Refracted Light & Miniature Horses??

June 5, 1979 – April 6, 2007

Is it just me, or has time flown past?? I have been trying to figure out how I got here. It has been one year… and so far, I have survived. There were many moments where I really did not think I would even get to this point. There were times when I cried so hard my head throbbed, my eyes were swollen and my chest ached as if an elephant were sitting on my rib cage. There were also times when I literally felt psychotic and detached from reality. I recall watching everyone go on with their lives while I felt stuck and angry wondering why the world had not stop spinning. In addition to trying to deal with Farrad’s death I also had to try to manage my finances and figure out what I was going to do next, so there were and still are times when I feel overwhelmingly frustrated. I am a work in progress but I am doing much better now. It is as if I have just awakened from a coma and am now re-assimilating to life. I feel like a different person… I believe it’s because I am. Its cliché but they always say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I believe that is true. I know I am stronger today than I was the day before. I could and would never trivialize Farrad’s existence or passing by defining it as only a learning experience or growth opportunity however it would be foolish of me to NOT take anything from this tragedy and use it to make improvements and develop into a better person.

In my last blog I spoke about how my outlook on life has changed—my message was to free yourself from anything stopping you from achieving your dreams. I wholeheartedly believe and stand behind that notion and I feel that in doing so we continue our own pursuit of happiness. Mentally and emotionally this is where I am today. Towards the beginning of this year I resolved to change my attitude because I was only sabotaging myself. For so long I had been miserable and often would feel guilty for expressing any kind of joy. I often thought it is not fair that I am here laughing at this corny joke or spending time with friends and family and cannot share this with Farrad. I suffocated my desire to be happy because all I could think about was how much I missed Farrad and how angry I was that he was taken from me. I have done a 180º turn. I realize that I am still here so I should do my best to make the most of this life. I deserve to be happy and I know Farrad would want that for me. While it is completely understandable for me to be upset, I cannot imagine Farrad commiserating and facilitating my unhappiness. I know for a fact I do not look cute when I am crying! Instead, Farrad would want me to think on him and be happy for the time we shared, to look towards the future with an optimistic attitude and to continue chasing happiness.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Today marks one year since Farrad’s life ended. Not a day goes by where I do not think of him and it is difficult not to replay our last moments over and over in my head. This week I started out feeling OK but halfway through it changed for the worse. Thinking about how hard my life has been and how uncertain my future is, magnified how much I miss him. I remember back in 2005, Farrad and I were apart for a weekend because he needed to be with his brother Maine whose grandmother had passed away. That was our first significant time apart since becoming official and it was the longest weekend for me. I love and miss him so much. It is amazing to me to look back and see that I have survived 52 weeks and have not gone completely insane. Hmm… actually, I have not been to any type of doctor or therapist so my previous statement may not be legitimate. In any event, I hope he is proud of me and the choices I have been making. It has been an extremely difficult journey thus far; nevertheless I am hopeful that things will continue to get a little better with each bend in the road.

In closing, I want to share with you something I have been marinating on. Earlier this week when after slipping into a crappy mood; I was reminded of my blessings and encouraged to look at today, not as the anniversary of Farrad’s death, but as a day to celebrate his life. I am trying my hardest to do just that. I know the summation of his life does not equal the manner in which he died. Today, I make a conscious effort to choose to remember the good times more so than the bad and hope my tears reflect joy and not sorrow. To those reading who love Farrad I encourage you to do the same.

Love Always,

Qnhik

Song lyrics | Seasons Of Love lyrics

Summary of 2007 & Aspirations for 2008

2007-12-31T13:33:00.000-08:00

Honestly I thought I had a lot more time to write this after posting my last blog. Today is the last day of 2007. That is absurd. I know I keep repeating myself but I feel like this year just began not too long ago. I remember bringing in 2007 with Farrad and my half asleep mom, with sparkling cider while sitting on an air mattress in our living room. I did not make any resolutions, I rarely do. However, Farrad and I did have a lot of goals and plans on the table and we were working on figuring them all out. I was so eager to see how things would come to fruition just as our GTFO (acronym for our move out project – Get the F Out, ) plan was executed and completed perfectly. 2007 has been overwhelming and presumably impossible for me… in other words, it has been whack! The first 3 months of the year were pretty good. Emotionally/Mentally I was doing ok. I had slipped into some form of depression but Farrad was helping me get back on track. Physically I had managed to gain a substantial amount of weight (comparing myself to how I USED to look in my size 1 jeans) –I joined the local LA Fitness to help get rid of it. My self esteem was not and has never been the greatest so the extra weight did not help at all. Spiritually, not much had changed… I had no desire to go to church; however, I did have faith. Interestingly, in the movie Dogma (1999), Bartleby (an angel cast down to earth) asks Bethany,"When do you think you lost your faith?" Her reply was, "I remember the exact moment…" Before April I couldn't really grasp how that was possible. I had reservations regarding religion, church, Jesus fanatics, and hypocrites… but not God. Bethany continued to say, "I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like "There's always a plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned to grow old with my husband and have a family - wasn't that plan good enough for God? Apparently not." I can now totally identify and sympathize with this [Bethany] character. I lost my faith on April 6^th 2007.

The time between April and now has been a blur but there have been a handful of experiences that have stood out for me. The time spent cultivating new friendships, cherishing & rekindling old friendships—experiencing love and kindness from those closest to Farrad… that will always be something I cherish. There were (and still are) times when all I could do was cry and ask why. There were also times that warmed my heart and made me truly happy—something I thought was not possible without Farrad.

Thinking back to mid July when a bunch of us met up in Fredericksburg, VA for the weekend… I had such a great time. It was a much needed mini vacation with some of my favorite people that helped to take my mind off the stressful issues going on at the time. The electric lemonades sure helped to distract, so did getting the "people's elbow" after being body slammed by Maine. Thanks. I also think back to my birthday party. That was one of the only birthday parties I have ever had and it was one of my favorite days this summer. The No (clothespin) game was great and of course our intense rounds of Taboo and UNO were hilarious. I think the party lasted close to 12 hours—it was I believe after 2am when we really started packing up to go home. There have been so many fun outings in the past few months. Even the night we were supposed to go to Great Adventures (Six Flags) for Fright Fest turned out to be a lot of fun. We ended up staying in and had dinner at my place because it had been raining all day. We tried playing the game Scene It but apparently we hadn't [seen it] since we didn't really know all the movies it referenced. Next time guys…. Next time!

The past nine months, have been a series of many ups, downs, existential contemplations, epiphanies and introspections; in 2008 I hope the good times out weigh the bad and I anticipate the birth of new enlightenment and understanding. More so than ever I have found myself questioning the purpose of… everything. Why are we here? Why the suffering and pain? What happens when we die? I know religion serves a purpose to answer these questions. In my eyes, we are all in some way or another reaching toward the same goal… same destination—just taking a different path. Who am I to say the path you chose is incorrect. Heck, I cannot even say the path that I am on is correct. I have read a few books on different religions and I have also been to a few different churches outside of my Christian upbringing and my initial thoughts and feelings were confirmed. Everyone wants to fulfill their purpose for living and church/religion provides the teachings and handbook to do just that. In addition to the handbook they have also devised some guidelines that help you cope with life for instance; when good things happen that is "God" and the angels looking out. When bad things happen that is the "Devil". But sometimes, bad things happen and it is not the Devil's doing… it is God and His master plan and you just have to accept that. Like Bethany, that is where I have a problem. I mention all this because it is a topic that has ALWAYS been on my mind but since April it has logically been more significant and magnified. I'll expound on that another time.

One thing I have noticed about myself this year is when you no longer have a gripping fear of death… your outlook on life changes. It is normal for people to not want to die and to fear that moment but can you imagine how everything would change if you lived fearlessly? Think about it. If you do not fear death… logically, what would you or could you be afraid of? Nothing. A lot of people are afraid of change, afraid of failure… even afraid of success; this only serves as speed bumps on life's highway. This life is all we have— we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. I am always reminded of The Matrix (1999), when after Neo was [physically] freed, he was taken to the top of a building and told to make an impossible jump. His instructions were "free your mind". Ok yes, he tasted the pavement that day but we all know what happened once he really let go and his mind was unrestrained. Of course I am not suggesting you take up BASE jumping at your local sky scraper. I am only trying to explain how I have been feeling because it has been one of the major driving forces for the decisions I have been making and how I am trying to live my life. I believe Neo's instructions can be applied to any situation. It is an injustice to sell yourself short or underestimate what you are capable of. I am a work in progress on this one. Growing up, my mother tried her hardest to remove the phrase "I can't" from my vocabulary. While I do not find myself thinking or saying "I can't" often, I do sometimes doubt my abilities. I was talking with my sister yesterday and told her I feel at times that I am a jack of all trades and master of none… I feel like I am OK at a bunch of things but not, great in just one. I am working on that now as I can see how that can be my own speed bump.

No matter how hard you work for success if your thought is saturated with the fear of failure, it will kill your efforts, neutralize your endeavors and make success impossible. -- Bandjuin

My aspiration for 2008 is to continue with this attitude and I challenge those reading to make this adjustment as well. You deserve nothing less than excellence; do not sabotage yourself with a self-deprecating attitude and fail to try for fear of failing. Free yourself from anything or anyone that can hold you back from reaching your dreams. There is no excuse or justification for not trying— you are accountable for the realization and attainment of your destiny. Make it happen!

In closing, I leave you with the lyrics to a song currently stuck on repeat in my car. Download it if you have the time!

Love Always,

Qnhik

Happy New Year! Please be safe!

Elliot Yamin - Free

Now that fear is out of the way
I'm starting to see myself so clear
Like a light shining into the night
Everybody has a day
When they're criticized for something
But hold on to what you believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Movin' so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright,alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Every chance that we take
Is one less mistake we can make
Sometimes are blessings are in disguise
Look beyond what they say
It don't really matter what they see
As long as you can believe

Tell me what you're hiding from
Everybody's on the run
Moving so fast got to slow it down and breathe
Hold fast to your dreams
And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky
When you do then

You'll be free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

It's difficult to hold on
So easy to let go
And take the road that's least resistant
But you gotta be persistent
Lead and never follow
Don't wait for tomorrow
Got to do it today
Yeah

Free
Nothing's impossible
Free (alright, alright)
You've achieved the unexplainable
Free
I believe that miracles
Happen to those
Who refuse to be told
They can happen when we least expect
So we let ourselves be free

Lemonade - Life & Purpose

2007-12-09T01:20:00.000-08:00

Lemonade – Life & Purpose

I have often wondered how someone could get to the point where taking their own life, seems like a good idea. I couldn't understand how they could feel/think there was no other option and everything would be better if they simply ceased to exist. I'd like to reiterate that I do not feel suicidal (I think) however I now fully understand how anyone dealing with a tragedy could become just that. This person is brought to a place where things just don't make sense; life seemingly has no real purpose. No longer living just existing with no hope that things will ever improve. Religion says life is a gift from God. Who is to say that if the life you're given doesn't fit right or just isn't your style that you can't exchange it for something better or…. maybe return it for store credit?? Fortunately for those around me, the fear of hurting those close to me and getting it all wrong is what prevents me from attempting anything. I'd be the one to screw up and survive and end up in a much worse mental state then when I started.

Both Farrad and I said when we first started dating that there HAD to be a catch because it was way too good to be true and we usually never got what we wanted in life. How could we be so lucky? I chalked it up to that good ole karma making its way back around to us… giving us a break. I guess I was wrong and our initial hunch was correct. I am glad we had the little time that we did. Time spent with Farrad has been the happiest I have ever remembered being, aside from maybe playing Simon Says with my mom and sister back when I was about 6 or 7 yrs. old. If I had to do it all over knowing what I know now I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't want to live this life without experiencing Farrad's love and kindness. It truly is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I just so desperately wish we didn't have to "lose" each other.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been reading more. At the suggestion of a Myspace friend I have recently finished the book Afterlife by John Edward (of the TV show Crossing Over). Most of the book is his retellings of sessions he has had with those who have lost someone close. It is his job to speak to those who have crossed over and relay their messages to those who remain. I know this may sound far fetched or even crazy to some of you; but I believe in his gifts and wonderful things he has done for so many people. This book actually helped to put some things into perspective and validate some experiences I have had. I am not 100% sure what life is all about and its whole purpose but John helped me to realize that we are here to learn. No, I don't mean algebra and chemistry; I'm talking about learning how to be the best you can and learning how to treat others. I have mentioned previously that in my "dreams" of Farrad it is as if he cannot speak. John confirms that those who have passed cannot or will not speak to offer advice because in a sense, that's cheating. If you were given all the answers you would miss the meaning of the lesson. I'm not going to get into who created the lesson because you know I'm going to say I never signed up to be in the class in the first place! In any event, I am here trying to figure out what on earth I needed to learn that in order for me to understand I had to suffer such a great loss. Maybe it's to help another or provide insight through my writing…? I have come to realize that I am not that special in the sense that so many others have experienced and will experience grief like I have. That in no way makes it hurt less but it is comforting to know I am not the only one. Am I supposed to be offering hope to those who are in my shoes? How can I when I, myself feel hopeless? More so than ever I have been compelled to write and I am even thinking of writing a book of some sort. I wonder if I ever would have fully pursued that idea if not for this tragedy. Don't get me wrong… I would gladly and immediately give up my right and left arms if it meant I could be with Farrad again. They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Since there is nothing I can do to turn back time and bring Farrad back; I will do my best to honor Farrad and keep his memory alive by writing about him. I hope I make him proud… in whatever I may accomplish. Maybe in the process I will help another who's hurting… maybe even myself.

I have been wrestling with the idea of going to see a therapist. I mean, it does sound like the logical thing to do. However, the thought of retelling our story to a stranger…reliving the painful memories of April… I am soooo hesitant. I know that sounds sort of crazy since I have basically done the same thing here in my blogs… trust me, it's different. Maybe sometime down the line or maybe ill wait until everything builds up and explodes on paper. I guess you guys will know when I have worked out all my issues when I start writing about rainbows and ponies!

I plan to write at least one more blog before the year is over where I intend to give an overview of 2007 and plans for 2008. Stay tuned…

Love Always,

Qnhik

6 Months - How Am I Doing?

2007-10-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

6 months – How am I doing?

If by chance you have not read my blog titled "Our Story" I suggest you read that before reading this… (click here)

So…. How am I doing? A question asked so frequently in the English language. Out of politeness most answer the question with "good" or "great" regardless of what might be going on in their lives. Nowadays when I'm asked, "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" the most common response from me is "I'm ok…." Those who are privy to my inner most feelings might get a more in depth response like "bleh", "blah" or "ehh".

Hard to fathom that it has been 6 months already. Farrad's existence did not define my own however life without him seems so unimportant and meaningless. I have come to accept the fact that he is not returning… there is nothing that can be done to bring him back… but why do I still look for him? My tears, although less frequent are no less if not more intense when they come. Maybe because it is now more than just missing my other half, it's the realization that undoubtedly paradise has been paved over and I'm left standing in the parking lot which is my life. Gone are the days where I had a general idea of what my future held. Farrad and I knew we would eventually get married and have kids (he wanted 3). I knew I had motherhood to look forward to and a life of happiness spent with my true love. Now what do I have to look forward to? Figuring out whether or not I have to go to my second job…. working my numbers to make sure I can cover the months bills… coming home to an empty house (with the exception of Eric's cat that I am "baby" sitting). I still have problems thinking past the here and now. I cannot imagine starting over and falling for someone else... taking my heart which has been shattered like tempered glass after a brick was tossed at it… taping it together and handing it to someone else to possibly be broken again??? Ummm…. I pass.

At times I feel like I'm living a double life. Sometimes the two cross each other but I try my hardest to prevent that. For example, last week I arrived at work (the fulltime job) and I had just begun to work. I received an IM from a friend and coworker of mine and unsure why exactly, as it was totally unrelated to the IM, I got extremely flustered, then angry and then without warning burst out into tears and had a hard time snapping out of it. Now if I were doing my job the more emotional Nicole would have never made it into work that day and would have probably been left in the car waiting for the ride home. This is probably the reason I started smoking again. Qnhik must stay focused and appear to be together… so rather than wallow in self pity and be overwhelmed by emotions like Nicole, Qnhik smokes for 5 min, shakes it off… and then gets back to work. It's very effective. This pseudo strength Qnhik possesses I've have realized is more or less, a defense mechanism.

So what have I been up to in the past few months? What has changed? Some obvious changes have been… I cut off most of my hair. It was only right. I had been growing my hair for over 5 years planning for my wedding and how I wanted to look on that day. I no longer had a reason to hang onto it, so for about $30 bucks I said goodbye to about a foot and a half of hair. I don't think it was due to the amount of hair cut off but I have also lost about 15 pounds. Initially I was not eating and most of the time when I did eat it was forced because I had no appetite. I resumed almost normal eating habits but I'm still losing. As I alluded to earlier, I found a part time job to help with bills. Its ok, I get paid way more than I should for what my job entails so I can't really complain, but I do. A few changes that aren't so obvious have been, rediscovering books. After seeing the movie The Pursuit of Happyness, Farrad and I purchased the book. One day I decided to begin reading it at the second job to pass time and half way through, a light bulb went off in my head and found myself super eager to read. How unusual is it for someone who loves to write… to hate to read….!? Well that has changed. Over about a 3 week time period I finished 3 books. I started the 4th and the 5^th (one is a text book) but I really need to go to the book store and find more things to read. One other rediscovery, I am trying to get back into art. I have a blog on Xanga from a few years ago… after my grandfather passed away and I mentioned how I missed our art projects and I missed watching him paint and create. I used to doodle and dabble in calligraphy. I never thought I was a great artist and still don't. After moving into our apartment I was feeling, for lack of a better term, off; and Farrad suggested that I paint something to help get me back on track and to create something to hang in our living room since we were having a hard time finding something to match our décor. I took the challenge and I ended up creating something I loved and felt proud of. That was a great feeling. Since, I have painted a few more things and even sold 2 to my sister's friend for her new home. The text book I am reading is to enhance my drawing skills which I know will help me with my paintings. The goal at this point is to embrace whatever brings me the tiniest bit of happiness. I plan to upload pictures of my art in the future so keep an eye out. I also plan to write more. I at times find it hard to talk about my feelings because I feel like a broken record. Maybe because I am usually asked the same questions… which I understand or maybe because at times things are so overwhelming its hard to articulate and find the right words to express myself…so I end up saying the same things.

Another slight change has been my outlook on life. I say slight change because I don't feel my view on life has changed drastically. What has changed the most is my desire to live my life. I can't say that I do not care what other think about me because everyone does to some extent… that's normal. However I feel that I have always tried to live my life knowing that now is all we have. You cannot count on 10 years from now, 2 months... heck 2 hours. Yes there is some planning that needs to take place in life however sometimes procrastination has no place. Living to please others, making choices based on what others suggest isn't always a great idea. This is not to be confused with constructive criticism or sound advice…. I digress. All I am trying to say (right now) is tomorrow is not promised so I am striving to do things and embrace those that make me happy now. It is not always easy. It is far easier to curl up in a corner and sob until my face is swollen; even more so now that I am working from home a few days a week… but I'm trying. My happiness now, is a direct correlation to those closest to me. It's you guys that make me smile when I don't want to. It's you who remind me that you love me and make it a little easier to continue on in this life. Those whose love for Farrad has been extended to me I am truly appreciative and I'm glad he had such good friends and such a loving family in his life. I would love to go down the line but I would hate to leave anyone out so I will say this, To my family& friends (Farrad's and mine): immediate, extended, old and new, $.O.T.H., BFFs, BMS, AIM, MySpace, friends of friends of friends and everyone else…. Thank you once again. Those two words I do not feel encapsulate what I truly feel for you all but I hope somehow you understand. I have had a realization about myself… it is soooooo hard for me to ask for help. I have always wanted to be independent and do everything on my own. Fortunately, I have been able to stay afloat with regards to bills these past months but this would not be possible without the help I have received. I love you guys.

What does the future have in store? I have no idea. I would be foolish to say that here on out will be roses and gum drops. I know for a fact there will be more heart ache and hard times. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" everyone says. I say, stronger for what? "God works in mysterious ways… everything happens for a reason… He never gives you anything that you cannot bear…." Lately, I have been feeling like this (life/planet/universe) is God's big science project. What is the point of it all? I think Qnhik is way more cynical and jaded than Nicole ever was. (yes, I know referring to myself in the third person [by different names] DOES NOT help refute the fact that I am not crazy!) I have always questioned the meaning of life… even more so now. There are things we value that make no difference when we die. Money, prestige, "flyness"…heck even education… they all make things easier while here on earth but when its all said and done who cares how much money you made or how many degrees you had. I feel like the things you will be most remembered for is your character and integrity. Farrad fell into the deep end of the pool when it came to integrity. He was always willing to help another: strangers, friends, co-workers... his family or mine. I have never met anyone as sweet as him. He was always truthful even those times when he didn't want to be. If anything good can be taken from this situation I say, I will follow Farrad's example of kindness, honesty and love and hope that is what I am remembered for.

I have mentioned some good changes and some not so good… there is one change that is in the middle for me. Some may consider it a change for the worse others may not. I am referring to changes in my beliefs regarding religion. In the past few years I considered myself agnostic. I grew up in the Christian church and school however other religions always intrigued me. In church I usually felt out of place and like I didn't belong so I'm sure that didn't help matters but fast forward to now. It's pretty simple. I am angry. I am angry at God and angry at myself for being angry at God. I tried going to church after Farrad passed even though I hadn't been in years but that was not good. Hearing about God's love made me furious and all I could do was cry. Have you ever gotten so angry you feel heat in your chest and face…? That's how angry I get. He's the one who has His eye on the sparrow…so why do I feel forgotten? I haven't prayed since April. What is there to pray about? The single most important prayer I have ever prayed in my entire insignificant life went unanswered… so why bother. I see others who have experience pain equal if not worse than mine and they continue to praise and thank God and I seriously do not understand how. In my eyes praising and thanking God now would be similar to thanking the EMT's for not saving Farrad. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should he get credit for the good when it's outweighed by so much bad…? I feel even though he may not have been the cause of Farrad's passing He could have prevented it. I wonder if this was to somehow teach me a lesson… something to get me to go back to church. If so, it's not working. I feel I have the right to be angry and I hope that He understands that and feels my pain… I mean if not… what kind of God would He be? I cannot deny what I feel because of how it may come across. I never denied His existence… we're just not on speaking terms right now.

I have not been to the cemetery since we left him there. I think partly because I know I feel closer to him here at home rather than someplace with random other people. I used to ask him all the time if he was around me, if he heard me when I talked to him. I received confirmation… I received a message from a stranger containing a message from Farrad. This person had no idea that the message she relayed contained the answers to the very same questions I had asked Farrad. This has done a lot to help me…. soooo much (If you are reading this, thank you again for contacting me). Dreams of Farrad have not come as frequent as before. One of the last dreams I had, Farrad was in the back seat of my car crying hysterically. I was driving and stopped the car and turned to him and consoled him. I heard him saying, "I can't" over and over similar to how I sounded in April… I took from that, that just as in the in the dream I consoled him when he cried; he does the same for me. I think about my past dreams a lot especially one I had in either last Dec or Jan. I dreamt that I died. It was never clear how in the dream I died—it was just understood. In the dream I was able to communicate with Farrad through notes and at one point in the dream I asked him if he could hear me because I had been saying something. He nodded yes. Come to think of it he never spoke to me in the dream similar to how in my "dreams" after he passed it seemed as if he was not allowed to speak to me. I constantly wonder if this dream was a warning for me and somehow I should have figured it out…. sooner.

There are so many unanswered questions. I guess one day we all will find out and get some answers. I look forward to that day when all of my questions are answered and I see him again which I know I will.

Six months, half a year… has gone by so fast. I am not really looking forward to the holidays… I have a feeling it is going to be rough but what can I do… they will come and go just as fast as May, June, July and August. It is not fair that he is no longer here physically to share life with me but I like to think that his spirit/soul is still connected with mine and he still shares in my life in a slightly different way. I started writing this a while ago and unfortunately my laptop crapped out on me and I lost everything. I had most of my documents backed up on Farrad's computer but not this one so I started rewriting last week and actually this is version much better. The original version was a lot angrier! When I started writing the original I was feeling super angry towards God and life and how I never chose to be on this earth and why I feel like I have little say on what happens in my life. While my thoughts and feelings haven't changed much… I guess I may be dealing with it a little better… or not dealing with it. I am not quite sure. The prayer/quote below, I have seen many many many times… I guess it's pretty true. That's basically all I have been trying to do.

"…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Once again thank you all for your continued love and support. I would be truly hopeless without you.

Love Always,

Qnhik

Un-Whole

2007-07-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

A poem I wrote August 4th 2004... was true then, is true now.

Un-Whole

I want to be loved

And feel not alone.

To feel another's fingers

Intertwined with my own.

To wake up and know

Someone's thinking of me;

An actual

Non-fictional inspiration

For my soliloquy.

A calming reassurance

That everything'll be ok

Even if all in my life

Seems in disarray.

The sound of hopeful lovers

Jiggling my heart's lock;

Seem to almost drown out

The incessant tick

Of my emotional clock.

But as usual it becomes

A repeat of the past,

An almost forever love affair

That doesn't ever last.

So, do I search for what

Others find by mistake?

Looking high and low

For another source of heartache??

Or do I just sit here

And twiddle my thumbs,

Waiting for my soul mate

Hoping he comes,

To take this puzzle

And make it complete

Ultimately sweeping me

Head over feet.

There are so many feelings

I'm forced to repress

Hidden desires

I'm dying to express.

Beyond mere physical

Tangles of affection;

I yearn for a more emotional,

Spiritual connection.

But alas, there is no one

So I'm forced to daydream

And save all my love tokens,

For one day to redeem.

Our Story

2007-04-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

As some/all of you may know, on April 6th I lost the love of my life; Farrad Louis Harding. As I stated in his obituary, he is my counterpart, soul mate and best friend and I don't know how I am supposed to continue on without him. I am in so much pain and still in denial. I love him more than mere words can explain. He should still be here. A friend advised that I write him a letter. While this is not really a letter to him, I'm thinking that maybe if I write something… it may be beneficial…if not for me, someone who's reading.

Farrad and I had been planning our life together since the beginning of our relationship, so moving in together and creating our home was a big thing for both of us. We had planned to get married, buy a house and start a family in the near future. Unfortunately, things do not always go as planned. I have so many decisions I must now make… Farrad did not have health or life insurance so the bills that remain after his passing are now on my plate. Can I afford to stay in our home? What should I do? Every single thing in this apartment has his finger print on it… how could I leave this place?? I was thinking the other day, what would Farrad do if this had been the other way around. I know for a fact he would do whatever needed to stay here. I intend to do the same. I've ask him every now and then (nearly everyday) to help me be strong and help me continue on. Right now, I feel hopeless and lost without him. How can I live without him? How can I be happy without him? Right now I don't have any answers however to all of our friends and family I want to thank you all for your love, comfort and encouragement. I truly appreciate every single one of you and your acts of kindness. May God bless you.

Now onto the story…

A Love Story

I am going to attempt to paint this picture for you… I only hope my words can portray it as beautiful and vivid as I see it in my mind.

My first memories of Farrad are from the 4th and 5th grade. We attended Emerson Elementary school in Plainfield, New Jersey. We were in the same class in 4th grade however I don't remember any interaction between us. I guess because boys were still icky back then. In the fifth grade we had separate home room teachers however we manage to be paired up in the science fair which meant having to work after school together on our project, the cabbage juice indicator. (Basically, [if you even care] using cabbage juice you can tell whether a substance is an acid or a base.) We of course won first place.

Fifth grade was my last year in public school. My parents decided to send both my sister and I off to a private Christian school (New Life) and I remained there from 6th to 12th grade. During this time Farrad continued on in public school, Maxson Middle School and Plainfield High. As we got older, we started working and we both got jobs in the Plainfield area. Later, he started working at CompUSA in Springfield, NJ and became friends with a group of people that worked there. I met and became friends with members of this same group of people when attending Union County College. Strangely, even though Farrad also attended UCC and we had the same group of friends, our paths never crossed until July 2005.

A few days before the 4th of July(2005), I received a phone call from a friend we call Squeeks. He mentioned that he had some business ideas and he thought of me when it came to the design aspect of the project. He told me about his ideas and also invited me to his 4th of July cookout. I accepted his invitation and I had planned on attending with a male friend I had met recently however that fell through and I went alone. I had a good time and reconnected with people I had not seen in several years… I was glad I went. Farrad and two of his friends (JA and Kris) arrived later on-- I recognized Farrad immediately. He looked exactly the same, minus the super high top fade he used to rock! We chatted for a bit and he and his friends, invited me to the Meadowlands with them to see the fireworks. I debated on whether I should go but decided I would since I kinda had too much to drink and was not in the condition to drive. We had a great time. We rode a few rides, ate junk food, walked and talked… We (Farrad and I) got on the swings, you know the elevated kind that spin around… later Farrad told me that when we were on that ride he saw a twinkle in my eye and that sparked his interest in me. I had noticed throughout the night that Farrad was no longer the painfully shy nerd that I knew from elementary school. When dropping me off back at Squeeks where my car was, he gave me his business card. He had told me about his company Durralink and thought maybe I could help out with web design or artwork. I told him I would email him the next day with my contact info. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and we both headed home.

Somehow, I managed to make it to work on time the next day. After getting settled in, I whipped out Farrad's business card to retrieve his email address and I sent him an email including my contact info as promised. We ended up talking through email for most of the day. We also spoke for most of the night on AIM until he had to leave to attend a meeting. Later in the week, while chatting on AIM He asked me, "Do you think we can go out again…. just the two of us??" I told him that would be nice—he was so cute and nervous. However, I was leaving for Florida the following week for a family vacation, so I told him we wouldn't be able to go out until I returned a week later. To keep it interesting I told him not to tell me where he was going to take me… I wanted it to be a surprise. He managed to do good job keeping it secret even though I sometimes pestered him, asking for hints. While I was in Florida we talked almost every day and during that time we learned a lot about each other. He told me about his past relationships, likes, dislikes… we found that we had much more in common than we initially thought. In hindsight, that time spent on the phone was invaluable to laying the foundation of our relationship. At times I felt lonely down there. The place was so beautiful and romantic but I had no one there to share it with. So, after my mom would go to bed at like 9pm I would walk around the resort while talking to him for hours.

I returned from Florida on a Sunday. Farrad had planned that we go out on our date on the following Friday. I was a little nervous and anxious for Friday to come. He informed me that there was a dress code for the date, business casual, so my evenings were spent split between trying to find the perfect outfit and talking with him on the phone or AIM. Finally, Friday came. After work, I had a couple of hours to prepare before he would arrive to pick me up. I spent the time making sure my hair, makeup & outfit were perfect. At the time I lived in an apartment tower so I told him to just give me a call when he was outside and I'd meet him in the front of the building. I patiently waited, then finally he called me. I nervously made my way down to meet him. My anxiousness and nervousness was quickly eliminated after I saw him. He looked like a deer in headlights… He was so adorable. After getting into the car he tried explaining why he looked so scared. He said he wasn't sure if he should have gotten out the car to open my door but by the time he had decided he would I was already opening the door myself! I figured we both couldn't be shy and nervous so I loosened up and cracked a few jokes… that seemed to break the ice. We started out our way to the mystery location. I mentioned to him that I had an idea of where he was taking me and to keep it interested I suggested we make a bet. If I was wrong, we would go out for ice cream my treat, If I was right then he would treat. He didn't object so I told him I thought he chose Delta's in New Brunswick. I was right. J I had never been before then so I was excited. The evening was perfect. Dinner was amazing the apple martini's were delicious and there was a live R&B band playing. At times the band was really loud but we still managed to have good conversation. Afterwards he also planned that we go to the waterfront in Perth Amboy and walk around. That was nice. We walked, talked and held hands. We found a bench and sat and looked out at the water. It was so comfortable being with him. I know he felt the same because he actually fell a sleep for a few minutes! Shortly after, we called it a night and headed back to the car. We arrived at my place and said our goodbyes and goodnights. I was a little nervous again because at this point we had not kissed. I assumed he would lean in for one but to my surprise he did not. I later learned that he purposely did not kiss me. He said his grandmother gave him the advice not to. We hugged and I headed to my apartment. That was the single most perfect date I have ever had.

The next day, Saturday, Squeeks had planned a business meeting that evening. I was glad because that meant I got to see Farrad again. We all met up at Bennigan's on Rt 22 and Squeeks conducted the meeting from inside of his car. Afterwards we all, minus Jeff, decided to head over to the Black Thorn for drinks and whatnot. Farrad and I danced for the first time… I know I had a lot of fun… I was pretty tipsy again! Around 2am they had the last call and the lights came up. The rest of the crew (Carld P had stopped by) had made their way outside however Farrad and I were stuck in this gaze. Then it happened. We shared our first kiss. It was so amazing. After we pulled apart I had to say "whoa!" (sorta like Joey from that old tv show Blossom). We then started making our way outside. We ending up sitting on the bench right outside the entrance and kissed a little more I told him that I wouldn't be able to drive so he decided that he would drive us to the city (NYC) so we could walk around and I could sober up. He spoke with a Black Thorn employee to confirm that it would be ok to leave my car for a few hours. After that was settled we headed out. We arrived in NYC probably in 40/45 minutes and by this time I really had to pee and I was feeling nauseous! So we found a McD's while he ordered us water I went to relieve myself. While I was in the bathroom I started getting the feeling I was really about to vomit. So I'm in there trying to wait for it so I could chuck in the toilet however, it would not come!! So I decided to just come out and hope the feeling would go away. As I was exiting Farrad said he had to go too so he gave me the drinks to hold while he went in. As im standing there waiting for him… the vomit feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Now it is inevitable that I need to figure out where im going to throw up at. Sorry for being gross, but I threw up in my mouth and was able to hold it—I began contemplating where this vomit was going to go. I looked at the garbage receptable in McD's but I knew there was no way I could keep the swinging door open and aim the vomit in the can so I left the drinks on top of the garbage can and quickly ran outside to the curb. (Farrad is still in the bathroom) So, I'm hurling on the NYC curb while some homeless guy yells to me, "Get it out!!!" I laughed to myself… Thanks homeless guy. I finished up and headed back into McD's. Farrad walked out shortly after. I said to him, Im not tipsy any more and I feel 100% better… I just threw up! He starts looking around thinking I threw up in McD's I explained everything to him and told him about my cheerleader. He said, "Cool…. Want some gum???" (lol) We exited and found our way to a park nearby and we walked and talked some more… and shared more kisses. I know what your thinking. He kissed you after you threw up!!?!?! YES HE DID!!! His justification was that I had gum J We ended up walking around the city until close to 6am and we decided to head back to Jersey pick up my car. While heading back we decided to stop at IHOP to get breakfast. Funny thing is we never made it out the car. Farrad parked and turned off the car and we sat there so long we BOTH fell asleep for a good 30 minutes or so! After waking, we decided to just go get my car and head home.

After that, we began spending a lot of time with each other. We ended up going for ice cream the following Monday… if you recall I won the bet earlier, so he treated. We probably saw each other almost every day that week. The following week is when it became official. July 31st 2005 we were hanging out at his place watching tv and we started talking about our relationship and where it was heading. He then asked me if I wanted the title of being his girlfriend and of course I said yes! I blogged a lot on xanga.com back then. Here is my entry from that day:

"the last bump in the road.... could it be? something so unexpected... but also so right. Its crazy... This is who i have been looking for and apparently he has been looking for me too…. I feel so comfy with him.... the kind of comfy that takes months, to years to get to.... the kind of comfy that allows you to say anything, do anything no matter how dumb... look any kind of way (no need to look cute 24/7)…."

At this point the L word had yet to drop. That didn't occur until August 2nd. That night we went to the lounge, Glo in New Brunswick with Marotta and Patty… JA also stopped by later that night. We hung out there for a while with everyone then decided to take a walk around the block. While walking and talking it became apparent that we both wanted to tell each other, "I love you" however neither one of us wanted to say it first…! Farrad ended up saying it first and I of course followed up with the same to him.

We were both on cloud nine. Here's another blog entry:

"Right now i am the happiest i have been in a loooong time. We (Farrad and I) were talking the other day and i explained to him how i feel like i am living in my destiny right now.... for the longest i tried to be positive and look towards the future saying to myself-- the right guy will come a long... you'll meet someone who will share the same views, beliefs and feelings as you... someone will fall in love with you.... they will be a great friend.... etc and it has happened to me--- IN A MONTH… We're at a level that takes some ppl months to attain if not years.... the unconditional love he shows me--- is unbelievable. His open and straight forwardness i adore and appreciate.
This is the start of something good.... really good. Im looking forward to the years to come."

Our relationship continued to blossom are we began discussing moving in together in September 2005. We had an idea of where we wanted to move (although that's not where we ended up) so we began saving money and cleaning up our credit. We had a great partnership. We both wanted to be better people for each other. We were so excited at the thought of starting our lives together, it was all we could think and talk about. Looking back at old instant messages that I have saved, there are times when all we talked about were what kind of furniture we liked and of course how much we loved each other. We initially wanted to move by spring 2006 but we had a few set backs financially that pushed that date back some. To help save money Farrad decided he would go back to work at CompUSA part time. Farrad continued to impress and surprise me. He was in everyway what I thought my husband would be. I had never been so happy before. Not only had I fallen in love with him, so had my family.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's time came around. We had come up with a few money making and saving ideas to help save money during that time. The main project we had was our "garage sale" neither one of us had garage but we sold our unwanted things on eBay. Farrad did his project manager thing and came up with this intricate spreadsheet that integrated all aspects of our moving out plan. It calculated our profits from the garage sale, listed our expenses and even included a bar chart tracking how much we had saved vs. what we needed to have saved. He had thought of everything even including $ for snacks and beverages on move-in day! Another money saving plan we came up with was making our lunch instead of buying it from work. Every Sunday night we would cook enough food for both of us for the whole week. I looked forward to those times, we always had so much fun in the kitchen. We bought a few cook books and would pick random recipes, throw on some music and get to work! Sometimes the recipes didn't turn out right but we didn't care.

Shortly into our move out plan, I began having second thoughts on the apartment complex we had originally decided on. We had begun to discuss chores and who would be responsible for what. I naturally would be responsible for laundry… I could deal with me shrinking my own clothes…! So since I was taking that responsibility I decided we should have a laundry room in our place. Farrad was such a sweet heart, he told me, "if that will make you happy then that's what we will get." So we started searching. We came across the place that would become our home after our first choice had a waiting list with no estimated move in date in sight. So once we were positive this was the place we modified our spreadsheets and adjusted our savings since this place was a bit more expensive than the original place we had in mind. We headed down to the bank and opened a joint savings account so we could both easily dump money into it. We were on our way.

Spring 2006 came around. Although we were on a strict budget we managed to set aside some money to take a couple of trips. In March we and some friends planned to head down to Virginia for the weekend. Although there were some speed bumps along the way in the trip we ended up having a good time. A few weeks later in April we went down to Atlanta, Georgia for the wedding of a friend of mine. The wedding was intimate and beautiful. I am glad we were able to attend. Seeing Delroy and Christina get married made me want to hit the fast forward button on our relationship. I could not wait for the time when that would be Farrad and I. We had such a good time while down there. I got to meet Stella, who we stayed with, and also got to meet Farrad's cousins who live down there. We did a little bit of clubbing and site seeing while down there... we both really enjoyed ourselves and really liked the state. We had actually mentioned in passing maybe moving down there once we were ready to buy a house.

Shortly after returning from Georgia, we solidified our moving plans. We had saved more than half of the money needed so we went down to the rental office and signed our lives away. The day we returned from the rental office Farrad starting throwing out stuff and packing up a few boxes in his room. I knew he was just as excited as me if not more! We had managed to raise our credit scored significantly so we were fairly confident there would be no problems being approved. Sure enough a few weeks later Farrad got a call back. He called me at work and told me to pack my bags! Our dreams were starting to come true. Move in date was set to be July 1st 2006 so we had about 2 months to raise the rest of the money needed for the security deposit and for furnishings. Most of our conversation during that time was of silverware, dinnerware, tables, chairs and everything else! We did have a few set backs with regards to our savings plan but we managed to pull it off. We had the money for the security deposit, moving truck, bed room set and for most of all the little things needed like bathroom décor, blinds, kitchen furnishings and cleaning supplies. A few weeks before move in we did a walk through the apartment and took measurements. We were like kids in a candy store…we were still in shock that we had actually accomplished this. In the days leading up to getting the keys we arranged to rent a moving truck for 2 days, scheduled to have our bedroom furniture and mattress delivered, scheduled when the cable would be installed and more importantly… picked out paint colors! Everything fell into place seamlessly. July 1st came. We spent that day cleaning and painting. We only painted two rooms because we couldn't decide on a color for the 2nd bedroom aka our office. The following day we moved Farrad's stuff in and the bedroom set was delivered. The 3rd day was my stuff. We quickly began unpacking, putting everything in its place and purchasing all the little things we had yet to buy.

Just about everything in my life was going well. The only exception was my job. Things had become stressful for me after becoming supervisor of my department. Farrad was so supportive of me and always encouraged me to hang in there. However, in August I had reached my breaking point. Farrad pointed out to me how my personality had changed and he wanted his happy Nicole back. After discussions and reviewing our bills we agreed that I would quit my job to find a better opportunity. August 11th (the day before my birthday) was my last day at that job. Sort of a birthday present to myself! I was unemployed for two months before accepting my current job. Right before I started my current job, I was hit with the news that one of my young cousins in Maryland was shot and killed and also an ex boyfriend of mine had committed suicide. Farrad comforted me and helped me smile through that time of mixed emotions.

Moving on… because I had not been working, the final purchase for our home, the living room set, was put on hold. We had already picked out the set from Jennifer Convertibles so now all we had to do was save the money. Sometime in October we decided to host a get together. We really had not had anyone over since we didn't want people to have to sit on the floor or air mattress… so we decided to have friends over and MAKE them sit on the floor and we called the get together a living room picnic. We found a red and white checkered table cloth and laid it on the floor. I cooked a bunch of food and everyone who came sat on the floor, ate and hung out. We played Taboo and had a great time. That was our first time hosting and we were sure it wouldn't be the last.

Winter came around along with the holiday season. Prior to, we had started thinking about business ideas for Durralink. We planned to re-invent the company and re open for business in the near future. Ultimately Durralink was going to be our family business and our escape from working for other people. We were going to work for ourselves, make our own schedule and live life to its fullest. So we began to work on our ideas. I loved Farrad's enthusiasm and eagerness to get the business up and running although I didn't always cooperate and submit my projects on time. I knew he wanted the best life possible for the both of us… and he proved it. He would work almost everyday on the website or researching business ideas and strategies. We would daydream out loud to each other about how our life would be in the future. We would also take drives and walks around local neighborhoods looking at houses, knowing that one day that would be us.

February came along with more plans for the future. We began talking about replacing my car with something new after getting the living room set. And after getting the new car we planned to take vacations since we both had been feeling like we needed to take advantage of more opportunities to have fun in our lives. We didn't want to be all about work and no play. Early on, we had managed to save enough for the living room set and we finally had it delivered in the middle of the month. Our home was now complete. To celebrate we decided to have another get together that took place on the 25th. Again, we had such a great time hosting. We were thrilled that those who were able to make it also enjoyed themselves.

A few days before the get together, my BFF Vernell, Farrad and I went down to LA Fitness and opened a family plan. The three of us wanted to get in shape for the upcoming vacations we had been thinking of taking. We started going at nights about 4 times a week. Farrad helped to motivate me to go even though he always told me I was perfect and always disagreed when I complained of being fat.
Next action item, as Farrad would say was replacing my car. We had been researching different types of cars and decided we would get the new Honda CRV because it would be reliable and a good size once children were in the picture… I refused to drive a minivan! We worked out our budget, spoke with a car salesman and decided we would be able to purchase the car around March or April. After getting my money in order and arranging to sell my car at the time we went back to the dealership in early March to order the car. The salesman informed us that it may take weeks to get the car in because there was a shortage in the availability of model we wanted. However we did not have to wait long and I had the car March 31st.

Also around this time, Farrad found out he was going to receive a substantial raise that was 3 years overdue. Farrad was a consultant at Schering Plough. His manager at his agency for whatever reason did not want to give him a raise however his Schering mgr really fought on his behalf and made it happen. After hearing that news we were even more motivated to start making vacation plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. We had planned to head down to Virginia to visit his little sister India and friends, Gav and Neesh. He also owed me that trip from almost 2 years prior when I agreed to stop smoking for him. (I'm sorry Farrad).

One plan that was on our minds and in our hearts almost from the beginning was getting married. We wanted to have a real celebration and by Farrad's calculations he wanted this to take place around the time we purchased our first home. I know he was working on saving for a ring for me however we both had some financial set backs so the ring fund wasn't looking too hot but who cared. Every now and then we would look at hotels and reception halls to get an idea of what we might want for our wedding. We had already picked out "our song", Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung. Occasionally, I would look at wedding dresses as most girls do. I would fantasize about what that day would be like and how much fun we would have. I had finally found my soul mate and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving him. It was funny to hear friends ask when the big day would be even in the beginning. I guess everyone could see how much we loved each other and they knew as much as we did that we had found something special. Our relationship was perfect. Yes, we did have arguments or disagreements occasionally but we always kept sight of the bigger picture and always worked out our issues. Ok, ok so maybe our "issues" were not super serious and were more like who left their shoes in the hallway or who was going to sweep the floor but disagreements nonetheless. I remember in the beginning he felt compelled to tell me pretty much everything in his past… from the fact that he had a few bills and debts to past relationships. He said he did not want anything to mess our relationship up. I felt the same and I appreciated his honesty. Things were simple. We both wanted each other to be happy and we loved and trusted each other 1000%... so of course we would be married and live happily ever after.

The beginning of the end…

The first week in April started out normal but did not end that way. The Saturday we picked up the car we spent with family, drove my mom and sister around so they could check out the car. We grabbed lunch at Applebee's then headed to my dad's job to see him for a bit and show him the car. We made plans for him to come over for dinner the next evening. Sunday came. We ran across the street to get groceries after waking up and I spent the latter part of the afternoon cooking. My dad stopped by after he got off work. Before Saturday it had been quite a while since I had seen or spoken to him. I'm glad he was able to come over that day.

Back to work for both of us on Monday. We had our routine, everyday Farrad was almost always the first to get out of bed… I am NOT a morning person. Eventually, we both would get our acts together, walk out the door at nearly the same time, kiss each other good bye and head off to work. We usually talked to each other all day long while at work on AIM so it was never like we were apart… almost 2 years into our relationship and we weren't sick of each other. J After work we would relax for a little and then I would prepare our dinner. Between 9 and 930 we would head off to the gym then come home go to sleep and start the cycle again. Thursday morning started out as usual however Farrad called me around 5pm as I arrived home. He explained to me that he was at JA's house and that he wanted to leave his car there because he didn't feel safe driving it and needed me to pick him up. Farrad had noticed the day before his car was making an… interesting sound when braking. I turned right around and headed out the door to pick him up. After arriving we decided to stop by his mom's since we were in the area. She had just gotten carpet installed in her home and we wanted to check it out. We stayed and chatted with her for a while. It was probably around 730/8pm when we decided to head home. While on our way we discussed how he was going to get to and from work the next day. We decided that I would drop him off and Ave would pick him up since he just so happened to be in town for the weekend. We also decided that since it was getting late and we still had not had dinner that we would skip the gym and make up for it the following day. That night we set our alarm clocks a little earlier in order to have enough time for me to take Farrad to Summit then head back down to the Hillsborough area so I could get to work on time.

Friday morning, I remember waking up before Farrad. I laid on my side and watched him breathe… something that was not out of the ordinary for me. He woke up shortly after and we began getting ready. Around 6am we headed out the door and made our way to Summit. That day Farrad was supposed to bring in bagels for his team so on the way we stopped at Manhattan Bagels which was probably around 15 minutes away from Schering Plough. While continuing en route to his job, Farrad mentioned that he felt like he couldn't catch his breath. I looked at him feeling worried but his calm disposition soothed me. I suggested that he crack the window while I turned down that heat which had been blazing. I also suggested that he sip on the bottle of water I had in the car. He seemed to feel better, well he didn't mention any further discomfort and he didn't look to be in any kind of pain.

We arrived at the entrance to his building a little after 7am. We sat and chatted while listening to Fergie play in the background. He pointed out to me the window that was near his desk and we confirmed our plans for the rest the day. We gazed into each other's eyes for a short while and we kissed. He told me he loved me. I told him, "I love you too". No sooner than after those words left my lips did I see him slump over. Not sure what was going on I grabbed him with my right hand while yelling his name and grabbing my cell phone with my left hand and dialed 911. He was still breathing but I could tell he was struggling and I knew he was not conscious. I in a panic began telling the 911 dispatcher what happened and our location. I kept calling Farrad's name hoping that he'd snap out of it. I saw a gentleman walking towards the entrance of the building and although I did not want to leave Farrad I ran over to him and explained quickly what happened and he offered to call Schering security to come assist. I ran back to the car to see Farrad in the same state. So distraught I began yelling at the 911 dispatcher trying to find out where the emergency squad was. The gentleman I had stopped came to the passenger side of my car and stood next to Farrad. I sat there feeling helpless as I said his name over and over and caressed the side of his face. Suddenly Farrad began to move. He managed to stretch himself out and it seemed like he was doing everything in his power to breathe. Shortly after he slumped over again however this time I could not hear him breathing like before. Now I'm really panicking. The police were the first to arrive on the scene which was probably within 5 minutes or so after I placed the call to 911. An officer came over quickly with an oxygen mask and strapped it on Farrad. He and his partner then proceeded to carry Farrad out of the car and lay him on the ground. The paramedics came right behind the police and began working to revive Farrad. I was in shock and remained in the driver seat of the car crying and yelling out "YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM FROM ME". Looking over to my right out of the passenger door I could see my baby lying on the cold ground surrounded by police and EMT's. They then cut the sweater my sister had given him for Christmas off and began placing the defibulator patches on his chest. This could not be happening. By now some Schering employees had come over and one woman in particular stood with me and helped comfort me. An officer came over and began asking me some questions I guess for his report and also to sort of distract me from what I was seeing and hearing. While talking to the officer I could hear the defibulator computer speaking. "Administering shock…do not touch patient". I believe they shocked him 3 times there while performing CPR in between. At one point I heard a cough and I thought it was Farrad but I was mistaken. After a few minutes they decided to get Farrad on a stretcher and head over to the hospital which was literally around the corner. At this point I was physically shaking and I did not know what was happening. I knew it wasn't good as they did not want me to ride in the ambulance with him. A Schering employee offered to drive me in my car to the hospital because there was no way I would have been able to drive. By now it was probably around 730am and we were on the way to the hospital. I quickly called my job and left a message stating what was happening and that I would not be coming into work. Still unaware of Farrad's condition; I could only think that in a little while he would be ok and I would get to see him. Soon as I entered the hospital I was directed to a desk near the emergency entrance. There the nurse began asking me basic questions to put him in their system. When finished another nurse came over to me and escorted me to the waiting area and sat with me. While in there I tried reaching Farrad's mom. I had her cell phone # but for some reason I couldn't get through. Then I remember the night before Farrad used my phone to dial her home # and it was still in my call history. I spoke with her and told her what happened and where we were and she started on her way to the hospital.

The nurse who sat with me kept giving me updates on what was happening with Farrad. She explained that when he arrive his heart was quivering instead of beating and they were working to bring back his heartbeat. She started out doing a good job of comforting me until she told me a story about how the same thing had happened to a little girl in the area and how she DIDN'T make it. I began to unravel at the thought of the same happening to Farrad. About 30 minutes later a cardiac surgeon came into the waiting room. She explained how they tried so hard, more than they usually would because of his age but she pronounced him dead at 804am. In that moment my life was shattered. A priest then came into the room and offered comfort and prayers. I can't remember anything he said all I remember are the tears that fell from my face. I remember trying to call my mom but she didn't pick up so I called my sister and broke the news to her. I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. About 10 minutes later Farrad's mom (Vanessa) arrived and they sat her in the waiting room with me and I had to listen in disbelief to the news a second time. I sat speechless and teary eyed as I watched her heart break. How could this happen? This cannot be true. This MUST be a dream…!! We sat in the room, hugging and crying until Vanessa asked to see Farrad. I was petrified and scared and part of me didn't want to see Farrad… not like that. I followed behind the Dr., nurse, priest and Vanessa down the hall into the room Farrad had been placed in. He looked like he was sleeping. I stood next to him shaking and crying like a baby. A nurse brought over chairs for us and I sat next to him weeping, holding his hand looking at him in disbelief for hours. During that time my family and his began arriving and soon filled the room. We stayed as long as possible and ended up leaving him around 1230 or so. I sooooo did not want to leave his side. I did not want to say goodbye I recall breaking down in the hallway sobbing, "I can't do this…" I knew there must have been some mistake… some way of bringing him back. That couldn't be it. How does the heart of a healthy 27 year old stop for no reason?? This doesn't make sense.

My sister drove my car and we headed to her place. On the way I tried making phone calls to friends using Farrad's phone to tell them what happened. It was so hard getting the words out. How can I state something as fact that I do not believe? Even as I type this, I am taken back to that moment and I still cannot believe this tragedy has happened. Why him? Why me? God why??

The week after, leading up to the funeral was extremely difficult. Physically, I felt and still do feel like my heart has really been broken. A part of me is missing. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Mentally, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. How can I go on living? How could I ever be happy again? Why would God who loves his children allow so much pain and suffering? Again, I have no answers. I stayed at my sisters but I went back home a few times during that week… that was hard however was also comforting. This is his home too and I know if he could be anywhere that's where he would want to be.

A few days before the services I had to bring over clothes for Farrad. I chose the suit he had gotten for the wedding we attended the year prior. He looked so good all dressed up… my sister's friend Maria called him a certified hottie after seeing our picture. I decided to spray his suit with the cologne he wore most frequently. I sometimes sit crying and smell his dress shirts that were set aside for dry cleaning. They still smell like him.

The funeral services although difficult were beautiful; Farrad was and still is very much loved. Thank you to everyone who came out and those who wanted to but couldn't. Thank you for every hug, kiss, card, phone call, prayer, gift, text message, email and every other kind word received. I truly appreciate it.

So now what? Here we are almost two months after and it still feels like I'm stuck on April 6th. I can't understand how I still have tears left… I cry everyday. I was telling JA last night, there may be moments when I laugh or smile… but I am not happy. Before Farrad was in my life, I was not a happy person. I felt empty inside and there were nights when I would cry myself to sleep not really knowing the reason for my tears. After Farrad came into my life everything changed. I had joy and I knew that no matter what went wrong in my life, we had each other and that made everything else bearable. So how CAN I be happy now? The person that made me the happiest and gave me a reason for living is gone. While I am not suicidal and I'm not planning anything [im too chicken anyway], I have no desire to live and I look forward to the day when my life has ended because I know then, we will be reunited one last time. How am I supposed to get through this? At times I don't even want to get through this. I don't want to think of him and not cry or be sad. I don't want to move on with my life and move past this. I also don't want to deal with the emotional, mental, physical and financial struggle now on my plate. He should still be here… and I am angry [not sure at who] that he is not. Every morning when I wake up, a part of me hopes he will be there next to me. When I come home from work and walk past the office, sometimes I think maybe one day he'll be sitting at the computer like he usually would. When I go to sleep at night, I wait for him to join me… but he never comes. I anxiously wait to see him in my dreams. He has come to me in my dreams 4 times and each time was bittersweet as I was so excited to see him, but he couldn't talk to me. I wanted him to tell me that I was going to be ok, that he would always be with me… I need to hear it from him. But all he would do was smile at me and raise his eyebrows like he would when imitating my mom. In the last dream where he visited me, he placed a gold necklace that had a gold ring on it around my neck. That was several weeks ago and I haven't seen him since. That hurts. I do however talk to him everyday and I ask him to help me and the rest of our families. I hope he can hear me… I ask if at all possible, that I see him one more time… even if only for a little while. I would give any and every thing to see him again.

Every now and then I feel him with me. Last weekend, my sister and I went to see Isha graduate from Rutgers. I felt so proud of her (since meeting her in October I felt like I had gained another sister). After the ceremony we met up with her in the parking lot and when we hugged I couldn't stop crying and I didn't want to let go. I got a very warm feeling in my heart. I guess Farrad was giving us both hugs because she said she felt the same.

I have no idea what life without him will be like. I love him more than myself. He was my reason for everything. He was so kind, giving, smart… a beautiful person inside and out. Words cannot effectively describe how much I miss him. My life changed because of him and I don't think I will ever be the same now that he is not here. I guess time will tell…

I started writing this right after it happened... and I could go on and on retelling other memories we shared but I'd like to end this here with the comment I posted on his myspace page a few days after he passed. Thank you all, again.

Love,
Qnhik

Apr 8, 2007 10:33 PM
It's funny I can hear you telling me to "walk it off"... if only I could.

I keep replaying Friday morning over and over in my head. I still think this all must be a really bad dream and i will wake up at any time.

I miss you so much. I need you here with me. I need you to help me go on cuz right now i feel like i can't. I need you to help your mom and your sisters too.

I am glad our last words to each other were I love you, i hope that was the last thing on your mind... i hope you were not in pain.

I hope you can see the picture Noell drew for me, although I have a feeling you were in on that.

I told you before, you are a beautiful person, i love you so much. I wished we could have spent more time together but i am grateful the the time that we did have.

Before re-uniting with you i thought i'd never meet my soulmate. After meeting you, i couldnt imagine life without you.

So, you cant leave me. You cant. I need to know you still hear me when I talk to you. I wish I could still feel your embrace... hold your hand... hear you sing the wrong words to my favorite songs....

You are what made me feel whole. I have so many thoughts running through my head and i know this may sound scattered... trying to put into words everything you are me is impossible...

but, "you already know"

my 5 for the day:
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love you so much.

Now its your turn.